I promised my friend Julie that I'd post a positive blog today since a lot of my prior blogs have been somewhat depressing so here I am, fulfilling that promise. The past 10 days have been a blur to me because so many great things have happened. I have been walking around with a constant smile on my face ever since I reconnected with my friend Luke, and started hanging out with some good friends from high school again (Kenny and Scottie).
For the past 2 years I have done nothing but talk about moving to Austin. That was my main goal in life was to get out of Brownwood and back to Austin because I love it there and it's where most of my best friends live. But this past week me and my friend Luke started talking and he's got a Graphic Web Design business that he had to put on hold for a while because he got sent to Iraq and he won't be back from there for another 9 months. Well when he gets back he plans to move to Colorado and reopen his business and he asked me to become a partner in the business with him and I accepted. So I am now part owner of a soon to be up and coming Graphic Design Business. We haven't come up with a name yet, we are still in the planning phase on exactly what we will be doing and who our primary market will be. But with the combined knowledge of the both of us and our determination to make this business work I have a really good feeling that this could be the start of a wonderful future for me. It may have taken me 10 years to get the ball rolling on starting my career but if this business turns out as good as we expect it to then it was well worth the 10 year wait. It's always been my dream to own my own business and if I have to move to Colorado to do that then Colorado here I come......in about a year.
As far as everything else is going I'm pretty psyched about finally getting out and hanging with some good friends that I grew up with. This past weekend we watched UFC 121 and while everyone else predicted Brock Lesnar was going to win the fight I had a strong feeling that Cain Velasquez would end up knocking him out and well, I was right! It was such a kick ass fight though. There were about 8 of us at Kenny's house and all during the fight we were up on our feet screaming and yelling and jumping around like a bunch of kids in a bouncy house. If I'm not mistaken there are some videos posted on youtube of some of the wrestling matches that went on after the fights were over. I know there are pics but you'll have to get a hold of Scottie and Kenny for them because I don't have any. But regardless it was the most fun I've had all year and I look forward to the next time we get together and do that again.
I've got a good feeling that my future will be a great one and that I will finally start to fulfill some of the dreams I had set out to fulfill when I graduated high school. I've learned that when you start thinking positive that positive things will happen. Over the past month I've completely changed my mindset and how I feel towards life and because of that so many great things have happened. Reconnected with great friends, and I've got plans for opening a business in Colorado with my good friend Luke. Those are some pretty great things if you ask me....and to quote an old 80s song...."The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades"
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
2000 - 2002: My time in England
I don't even know where to begin with this post.....I'm sad I know that. I spent almost all of last night/this morning listening to music that reminds me of those 2 years and I won't lie, I teared up thinking about it. I even broke open the picture album to go through some memories of my first time going to London. To think, I waited until after a year and a half of me living there before I finally went to London. But over the last 6 months that I lived there I was able to spend a couple weekends a month visiting different cities in England and even a weekend white water rafting in Wales. As I look back on the 3 and a half years I spent in the Air Force only my time in England brings back good memories.....but sometimes good memories can make you cry. HA! I'm a baby...sitting here tearing up because I miss England so much......damn you slow songs!
I won't lie, I got sucked into British pop music. It was impossible not to if you lived there. It's all the clubs would play and it was all you saw on TV cause I could only get British TV channels. I fell in love with bands like Steps, S Club 7, Westlife (OMG a boy band!), Craig David, So Solid Crew, All Saints (OMG a girl band!), Atomic Kitten (another girl band!), and Blue (another boy band). I couldn't wait for Saturday and Sunday mornings when "Top of the Pops" came on because I got to see these bands live. Long before American Idol there was Popstars and the first 5 people that won went on to create the band Hear'Say and well, I loved them too. S Club 7 even had their own TV show and yes, I watched it even though it was meant for teens. As cheesy as this music was I was a sucker for it all. You should really go look up some of these bands....although I doubt you'll find them as alluring as I do.
I even got hooked on a few British soap operas like EastEnders, Hollyoaks, and Brookside. I'm pretty sure some of them still play on BBC 1 (if you get that channel).
Perhaps the thing I miss the most about England was the culture and the beauty of the country. I had never lived in a place where the grass and leaves on trees were green all year round. The people were so interesting and I LOVED their accent. The further away from RAF Lakenheath you went the less the people there were accustomed to being around Americans. When I went to Bala, Wales to spend the weekend camping and white water rafting we spent one night hitting up the different pubs in town. We literally had a group of 20 Welsh people following us from pub to pub buying us drinks because they weren't used to Americans being in town. They treated us like rock stars and I won't lie and say I didn't like it. It seemed like every pub/club we went to was the most hopping place in town because of the entourage we had following us. None of us guys refused any free drinks and before the night was over we were all drunk off our asses. I don't even remember how I got back to the campsite. I do remember getting separated from the group and stumbling my way to a bench that I might have passed out on. Ohhhh, those were happy days!
RAF Lakenheath was a great base to be stationed at. I almost made a HUGE mistake and traded my base with one of the guys that was in my tech school class for $500. I was only 20 at the time we got our assignments and the thought of going overseas when I had never even been to Mexico seemed really scary to me. I was so afraid of being that far away from home for the first time in my life. Had I not called my parents and had them talk me out of trading assignments I would have never experienced life in England. I also would have never become friends with some of the most awesome people I've ever met. I only kept in touch with one of the guys though and we are still in contact now. Luke if you're reading this I just want to thank you for putting up with me for 3 straight years. I went through some hard times and you were there for me the entire time never judging me or looking down on me for the mental breakdowns I had. Had it not been for you I'm not sure I could have gotten through some of the things I went through. I owe you a lot buddy and I'm gonna come see you sometime soon!
I'm conflicted right now though. I have one side of my brain telling me it wants to move back to Austin and then the other side begging me to move to England. Now I know living in England is most likely not a possibility but it doesn't hurt to dream. Who knows, I could end up living there again before I die.....that would be nice. Most of all I want to take a trip back to England so I can spend a week there reliving some of the best times of my life. I think it would be good for me to revisit the start of my adulthood. I went from being a scared 20 year old kid afraid of leaving the states to a fearless 22 year old ready to take on the world.
How naive I was back then though. Thinking life would be easy and that I was destined to achieve great things. I left England in May of 2002 with high hopes for a successful future. But everything changed over the next 7 months. However the story of my last 7 months in the Air Force is for another blog that I might post on another day....who knows?
I miss the accents, the culture, the music, the TV shows, the countryside, the Air Force base, the friends I made, the foods I ate. I even miss driving cars with the steering wheel on the right side of the car on the opposite side of the road as we drove in the states. The constant rain, the cloudy weather, the cool temperatures...it was gloomy weather but I loved it nonetheless. Living in England was like living in another world. A world so far away from everything I was accustomed to. It was a world that took me on adventures unlike any I could have experienced in the US. A world with castles and churches that date back to Medieval times. You don't need a time machine to experience history. You need only fly across the ocean and visit England. If you ever get a chance to go then you should go. It's a country I feel EVERYONE should visit at least once. And hopefully you'll come back with great memories like the ones I have.
I won't lie, I got sucked into British pop music. It was impossible not to if you lived there. It's all the clubs would play and it was all you saw on TV cause I could only get British TV channels. I fell in love with bands like Steps, S Club 7, Westlife (OMG a boy band!), Craig David, So Solid Crew, All Saints (OMG a girl band!), Atomic Kitten (another girl band!), and Blue (another boy band). I couldn't wait for Saturday and Sunday mornings when "Top of the Pops" came on because I got to see these bands live. Long before American Idol there was Popstars and the first 5 people that won went on to create the band Hear'Say and well, I loved them too. S Club 7 even had their own TV show and yes, I watched it even though it was meant for teens. As cheesy as this music was I was a sucker for it all. You should really go look up some of these bands....although I doubt you'll find them as alluring as I do.
I even got hooked on a few British soap operas like EastEnders, Hollyoaks, and Brookside. I'm pretty sure some of them still play on BBC 1 (if you get that channel).
Perhaps the thing I miss the most about England was the culture and the beauty of the country. I had never lived in a place where the grass and leaves on trees were green all year round. The people were so interesting and I LOVED their accent. The further away from RAF Lakenheath you went the less the people there were accustomed to being around Americans. When I went to Bala, Wales to spend the weekend camping and white water rafting we spent one night hitting up the different pubs in town. We literally had a group of 20 Welsh people following us from pub to pub buying us drinks because they weren't used to Americans being in town. They treated us like rock stars and I won't lie and say I didn't like it. It seemed like every pub/club we went to was the most hopping place in town because of the entourage we had following us. None of us guys refused any free drinks and before the night was over we were all drunk off our asses. I don't even remember how I got back to the campsite. I do remember getting separated from the group and stumbling my way to a bench that I might have passed out on. Ohhhh, those were happy days!
RAF Lakenheath was a great base to be stationed at. I almost made a HUGE mistake and traded my base with one of the guys that was in my tech school class for $500. I was only 20 at the time we got our assignments and the thought of going overseas when I had never even been to Mexico seemed really scary to me. I was so afraid of being that far away from home for the first time in my life. Had I not called my parents and had them talk me out of trading assignments I would have never experienced life in England. I also would have never become friends with some of the most awesome people I've ever met. I only kept in touch with one of the guys though and we are still in contact now. Luke if you're reading this I just want to thank you for putting up with me for 3 straight years. I went through some hard times and you were there for me the entire time never judging me or looking down on me for the mental breakdowns I had. Had it not been for you I'm not sure I could have gotten through some of the things I went through. I owe you a lot buddy and I'm gonna come see you sometime soon!
I'm conflicted right now though. I have one side of my brain telling me it wants to move back to Austin and then the other side begging me to move to England. Now I know living in England is most likely not a possibility but it doesn't hurt to dream. Who knows, I could end up living there again before I die.....that would be nice. Most of all I want to take a trip back to England so I can spend a week there reliving some of the best times of my life. I think it would be good for me to revisit the start of my adulthood. I went from being a scared 20 year old kid afraid of leaving the states to a fearless 22 year old ready to take on the world.
How naive I was back then though. Thinking life would be easy and that I was destined to achieve great things. I left England in May of 2002 with high hopes for a successful future. But everything changed over the next 7 months. However the story of my last 7 months in the Air Force is for another blog that I might post on another day....who knows?
I miss the accents, the culture, the music, the TV shows, the countryside, the Air Force base, the friends I made, the foods I ate. I even miss driving cars with the steering wheel on the right side of the car on the opposite side of the road as we drove in the states. The constant rain, the cloudy weather, the cool temperatures...it was gloomy weather but I loved it nonetheless. Living in England was like living in another world. A world so far away from everything I was accustomed to. It was a world that took me on adventures unlike any I could have experienced in the US. A world with castles and churches that date back to Medieval times. You don't need a time machine to experience history. You need only fly across the ocean and visit England. If you ever get a chance to go then you should go. It's a country I feel EVERYONE should visit at least once. And hopefully you'll come back with great memories like the ones I have.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Total Health Makeover
I've been taking the necessary steps over the past couple of weeks to get my physical and mental health back to good. I've had countless blood tests, a few x-rays, an EKG, and some sit downs with a couple of doctors at the VA Health Care Center. There is a possibility that I have high blood pressure so they are sending me a monitor so I can check my blood pressure 2 times a day for a few weeks to see if there are any changes. I've also signed up to meet with a dietitian so I can start eating healthy. I'm also enrolled in what they call the Move Program which is basically a weight watchers class for veterans. I figure that since I'm about to be 30 that I need to start focusing on my health more so that I don't have serious problems as I get older. My goal is to lose 35 pounds over the next 7 months....basically 5 pounds a month.
Along with my physical health my mental health will also get better. I'm convinced that a big reason I still suffer from anxiety and depression is because of my weight. I have lost a lot of self confidence over the years due to the weight issue. It's kinda like a snowball effect. Lose your self confidence, then become depressed because you feel you are worthless, and in turn suffer from anxiety because you're constantly worried about what people think about you. However my weight isn't the only reason I'm still depressed most of the time. Sitting around doing nothing every day doesn't exactly help me any. The lazier I get the more depressed I get so I'm currently working on finding employment and getting back to walking/jogging every day. Not to mention if I can get my sleeping pattern back to normal that will help tremendously.
I'm thinking of starting another blog specifically for chronicling my journey to 175 pounds and no more depression/anxiety. Keeping a blog will help me keep myself accountable to continue with these positive changes I'm making in my life. I am positive that I will succeed this time because I'm voluntarily changing my daily routine. Nobody has pressured me or even really talked to me about this. I decided on my own to do all of these things and if you know me then you'll know this is a first. I usually only do things because I feel pressured but not anymore. I'm changing my life because I want to not because someone else wants me to. So here is to the start of a new life.....cheers!
Along with my physical health my mental health will also get better. I'm convinced that a big reason I still suffer from anxiety and depression is because of my weight. I have lost a lot of self confidence over the years due to the weight issue. It's kinda like a snowball effect. Lose your self confidence, then become depressed because you feel you are worthless, and in turn suffer from anxiety because you're constantly worried about what people think about you. However my weight isn't the only reason I'm still depressed most of the time. Sitting around doing nothing every day doesn't exactly help me any. The lazier I get the more depressed I get so I'm currently working on finding employment and getting back to walking/jogging every day. Not to mention if I can get my sleeping pattern back to normal that will help tremendously.
I'm thinking of starting another blog specifically for chronicling my journey to 175 pounds and no more depression/anxiety. Keeping a blog will help me keep myself accountable to continue with these positive changes I'm making in my life. I am positive that I will succeed this time because I'm voluntarily changing my daily routine. Nobody has pressured me or even really talked to me about this. I decided on my own to do all of these things and if you know me then you'll know this is a first. I usually only do things because I feel pressured but not anymore. I'm changing my life because I want to not because someone else wants me to. So here is to the start of a new life.....cheers!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Under the weather
Sorry I haven't posted anything in a few days. I've been a little under the weather. I have a doctor appointment in the morning so hopefully I'll figure out what's wrong. Once I feel better I will get back to posting something every day. Hope everyone is doing well.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Bullying and suicides
All I've been reading about and hearing the past month is how bad bullying has gotten in schools and how many kids have taken their own lives because of it. I'm actually pretty angered by this news and I usually don't get worked up over things that don't have a direct impact on my life. I'm not only upset with the kids who are doing the bullying but I'm upset with the schools, the friends of the kids, and the parents of not only the bullies but the kids who commit suicide.
First of all, what is wrong with most kids now days? So many children and teens have serious problems with anger, depression, and aggression. So many teachers and parents apparently don't pay enough attention to the kids because every time a kid commits suicide it's "a shock this happened because he/she was such a happy person". Didn't ANYONE around these kids notice they were depressed or angry? Teachers you spend 8 hours a day around these kids and parents you spend the rest of the time around them. Are you really not paying enough attention to notice something is different about them? There is a school in Ohio that's had 4 suicides by kids who were bullied over the past 2 years! And not every kid that committed suicide is gay either. It just so happens that gay kids tend to be targeted by bullies more often than others.
I have a feeling that the reason the parents don't notice anything different about their children is because they don't spend enough time with them. Now days parents stick their child in front of a TV, or computer, or a video game and let it raise them. When I was growing up we had ONE TV for the entire family to use so if you wanted to watch anything you did it together as a family. Now days every single room in the house (sometimes including the bathroom) has a TV to watch. Kids come home, lock themselves in their rooms, and that's where they stay until the next day. That is NO way to raise your kid. Your job is not more important than your kids. The stupid video game you want to play is not more important than your kids. Your friends are NOT more important than your kids.
I know I probably don't understand how hard it is to raise a kid because I don't have any. I don't know how hard it is to teach a kid because I'm not a teacher. But I still find it hard to believe that absolutely nobody noticed there was anything wrong before they decided to take their own lives. It's highly possible that people noticed but were afraid to speak up because "it's none of their business" or "they were afraid they would get bullied". Kids are under so much pressure to be "cool" and "popular" that they are willing to sit back idly and watch this stuff happen. This is not right!
We need more kids like the friends I had in 6th grade who kept me from being bullied. I've never told anyone this because it wasn't that big of a deal and it didn't happen very often. But I had 2 awesome people take me under their wing in order to keep me from being picked on. Hayden and Kevin both allowed me to hang out with them before and after school because the people who were causing the problems left me alone thanks to them. I didn't go asking anyone for help and I certainly didn't tell my parents or any teachers about this. They just saw me getting picked on and stopped it. I wish there were more people in the world like that.
Parents talk to your kids please! Teachers talk to your students please! You have the power to stop the bullying. You have the power to prevent anything like this from happening again. Use this power to help your children. Talk to them and find out if there is anything bothering them. Show them that it's okay to open up and that they don't have to be afraid to tell anyone about being bullied. If your kid is the one doing the bullying find out why they are so aggressive and what they have to be angry about. Teachers talk to both set of parents or find someone at your school who will talk to them. That's all you have to do.....talk. Communication can be the most effective way of preventing this from happening. Most kids won't come to you so you need to go to them. If you have kids go talk to them tonight. Don't wait another day because it could be your last chance to help them. Let's stop this from happening again......
First of all, what is wrong with most kids now days? So many children and teens have serious problems with anger, depression, and aggression. So many teachers and parents apparently don't pay enough attention to the kids because every time a kid commits suicide it's "a shock this happened because he/she was such a happy person". Didn't ANYONE around these kids notice they were depressed or angry? Teachers you spend 8 hours a day around these kids and parents you spend the rest of the time around them. Are you really not paying enough attention to notice something is different about them? There is a school in Ohio that's had 4 suicides by kids who were bullied over the past 2 years! And not every kid that committed suicide is gay either. It just so happens that gay kids tend to be targeted by bullies more often than others.
I have a feeling that the reason the parents don't notice anything different about their children is because they don't spend enough time with them. Now days parents stick their child in front of a TV, or computer, or a video game and let it raise them. When I was growing up we had ONE TV for the entire family to use so if you wanted to watch anything you did it together as a family. Now days every single room in the house (sometimes including the bathroom) has a TV to watch. Kids come home, lock themselves in their rooms, and that's where they stay until the next day. That is NO way to raise your kid. Your job is not more important than your kids. The stupid video game you want to play is not more important than your kids. Your friends are NOT more important than your kids.
I know I probably don't understand how hard it is to raise a kid because I don't have any. I don't know how hard it is to teach a kid because I'm not a teacher. But I still find it hard to believe that absolutely nobody noticed there was anything wrong before they decided to take their own lives. It's highly possible that people noticed but were afraid to speak up because "it's none of their business" or "they were afraid they would get bullied". Kids are under so much pressure to be "cool" and "popular" that they are willing to sit back idly and watch this stuff happen. This is not right!
We need more kids like the friends I had in 6th grade who kept me from being bullied. I've never told anyone this because it wasn't that big of a deal and it didn't happen very often. But I had 2 awesome people take me under their wing in order to keep me from being picked on. Hayden and Kevin both allowed me to hang out with them before and after school because the people who were causing the problems left me alone thanks to them. I didn't go asking anyone for help and I certainly didn't tell my parents or any teachers about this. They just saw me getting picked on and stopped it. I wish there were more people in the world like that.
Parents talk to your kids please! Teachers talk to your students please! You have the power to stop the bullying. You have the power to prevent anything like this from happening again. Use this power to help your children. Talk to them and find out if there is anything bothering them. Show them that it's okay to open up and that they don't have to be afraid to tell anyone about being bullied. If your kid is the one doing the bullying find out why they are so aggressive and what they have to be angry about. Teachers talk to both set of parents or find someone at your school who will talk to them. That's all you have to do.....talk. Communication can be the most effective way of preventing this from happening. Most kids won't come to you so you need to go to them. If you have kids go talk to them tonight. Don't wait another day because it could be your last chance to help them. Let's stop this from happening again......
Mental Exhaustion
Yes I know....I have been keeping you waiting and anxious for my next blog entry. You'll have to forgive me because I'm suffering from extreme mental exhaustion. I have taken a lot of time over the past week to reevaluate my life and figure out which direction I wanted to go in regards to my future. I haven't slept much because I was having a hard time keeping my thoughts under control. I've been stressing about so much that it has kept me awake for the better part of the past few days.
I've typed out a few entries over the past couple of days only to delete them before I posted them because I felt they weren't worth reading. One was discussing how I felt about the bullying and suicides that have been going on in schools across the U.S. It seems like every time I turn on the news I am seeing a story about another kid who committed suicide because they were bullied. Another entry was about selfish vs. selfless people in the world today. I talked about how the selfish people took advantage of the selfless people because they knew they could take from us (I say us because I'm selfless and I'm always being taken advantage of). The 3rd entry was about Tru TV and how unrealistic their so called reality TV is. Shows like Operation Repo, Worked Up, Hardcore Pawn, and Mama's Roadhouse claim to all be true but if you've seen any of them you'll know they were most likely all staged. The scenarios that play out in each of these shows is so off the wall, crazy, and frequent that it's hard to believe anything that goes on in them.
I think I'm finally ready to get some sleep though. It's currently 5:35 AM (as I'm typing) and I have a feeling I will be sleeping most of the day today. For the first time in over a week I think I am finally tired enough to get some much needed DEEP sleep. I've been sitting here in front of my computer for the past 2 hours, staring at my screen, suffering from writer's block. It's rare that I don't have something to write about....even if it's something small. My thoughts have finally slowed down to the point where I can relax so I think I'm going to take advantage of this time and go to bed.
If any of you would like me to elaborate on my thoughts and feelings on the different things I had written about and then deleted let me know and I will retype my entries. Even if nobody says they want me to post anything I will probably still do it eventually. But that will come AFTER I get the much welcomed rest I need. So I'm out people. If you need me you can find me in Dreamland....which just so happens to look a lot like the video from Katy Perry's "California Girls".........................OH YEAH!
I've typed out a few entries over the past couple of days only to delete them before I posted them because I felt they weren't worth reading. One was discussing how I felt about the bullying and suicides that have been going on in schools across the U.S. It seems like every time I turn on the news I am seeing a story about another kid who committed suicide because they were bullied. Another entry was about selfish vs. selfless people in the world today. I talked about how the selfish people took advantage of the selfless people because they knew they could take from us (I say us because I'm selfless and I'm always being taken advantage of). The 3rd entry was about Tru TV and how unrealistic their so called reality TV is. Shows like Operation Repo, Worked Up, Hardcore Pawn, and Mama's Roadhouse claim to all be true but if you've seen any of them you'll know they were most likely all staged. The scenarios that play out in each of these shows is so off the wall, crazy, and frequent that it's hard to believe anything that goes on in them.
I think I'm finally ready to get some sleep though. It's currently 5:35 AM (as I'm typing) and I have a feeling I will be sleeping most of the day today. For the first time in over a week I think I am finally tired enough to get some much needed DEEP sleep. I've been sitting here in front of my computer for the past 2 hours, staring at my screen, suffering from writer's block. It's rare that I don't have something to write about....even if it's something small. My thoughts have finally slowed down to the point where I can relax so I think I'm going to take advantage of this time and go to bed.
If any of you would like me to elaborate on my thoughts and feelings on the different things I had written about and then deleted let me know and I will retype my entries. Even if nobody says they want me to post anything I will probably still do it eventually. But that will come AFTER I get the much welcomed rest I need. So I'm out people. If you need me you can find me in Dreamland....which just so happens to look a lot like the video from Katy Perry's "California Girls".........................OH YEAH!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Determination
As I was sitting outside this morning waiting for my ride to pick me up and take me to my doctor appointment I spied a tiny tiny ant trying to carry what looked like a hornet's wing that was 5 times bigger than it was. I probably watched him for close to 45 minutes before I was picked up. During that entire 45 minutes this little guy would pick up the wing (obviously too hard for him to carry alone) and try to move it. He'd get the wing picked up and start to move but then a tiny gust of wind would blow the wing an inch or so away from the ant. Now when most people would have given up after a few failed attempts this little ant was determined to get it back to the ant colony. It didn't matter how many attempts it took or how hard it was to do alone he never gave up. This little guy had a job to do and nothing was going to get in his way of doing it....not the wind, the size of the wing, or fatigue (if ants can get fatigued).
I never thought that I'd learn an important lesson from something as tiny as an ant but I did. Now did this ant ever get the wing back to the colony? I'm not sure but I do know that when I got home I checked the spot where I last saw the ant and the wing and neither were anywhere to be found. I'd like to think that his perseverance and determination paid off because the little guy was not going to give up no matter how impossible the task may have seemed. Watching the ant this morning got me to thinking about my own life again....something I've been doing a lot the past few days. It got me thinking that if a tiny ant isn't willing to give up on the hard tasks and move onto something a lot easier than why can't I be like that? Why can't I stay determined to persevere when I'm faced with a task that seems near impossible? If an ant can do it then so can I.
Another thing I thought about was my parents and their situation. They own their own business and they both also work a second night job. They pretty much work 70 hours a week even though they don't have to. They have both been working 2 jobs for the past 10 years and I've never once heard them complain about how hard it is and how much they want to quit. They do this because they have goals and dreams they want to fulfill and they are willing to do whatever it takes to achieve these goals. So again, I ask myself another question. If my parents can work 2 jobs at their age, with their health declining, then why can't I even work one job? Why have I been making excuses for myself for the past 15 months that I've been unemployed? Excuses like "my depression and anxiety keep me from being able to work a full time job"...."I don't have a car so I'd have to either walk or find a ride and I don't like walking or asking people for help". The worst excuse I've used is "What's the point in working a job that I know I will just quit anyways? I'm doing employers a favor by not having them hire me just so I can quit 3 months later." They all sound pretty dumb I know...trust me I know.
I'm done making excuses. I'm done trying to justify my reasoning for my lack of motivation. Ambition, determination, resilience, perseverance....4 things my life has lacked for pretty much my entire life. I used to wonder why I was so successful in everything I did when I was growing up but I now know the reason behind it is because my parents wouldn't let me quit anything I started. Even as a kid I wanted to quit everything I started if it got a little difficult. But I had great parents that knew I'd regret the decision to quit later on in life so they made me stay focused and do what I needed to be successful. They still try to guide me in the right direction but I never listened to anything they told me. I would go weeks and months without talking to them because they would always lecture me about my life and I wasn't ready to hear it. I knew that everything they told me was true and talking to them forced me to look at the negative decisions I've made so I'd stay away from them in order to keep from having to deal with my problems.
I'm not running away from myself or my family anymore though. I'm determined to face everything head on and not quit to find something easier to do. Life isn't easy and in order to get what you want out of life you have to work hard for it. My parents are working hard. My brothers and my sister are working hard. Millions of people in the world are working hard. But I haven't been working at all. I liked to talk about what I would like to achieve in life but that's all I ever did was talk. I realize now though that I can dream all I want but I'm not going to get anything by just sitting around talking about it. Nothing is going to just be given to me. Everyone else has had to work to get where they are so why do I think I'm so special that I don't have to work to get what I want?
So like the tiny ant, and my family, and my friends, and the millions of other people around the world I will work hard. I will stay determined to accomplish my goals even when things get tough. I won't quit what I'm doing so I can find an easier way of getting what I want. No matter how tough things get I will keep trying and trying until I finally get my hornet's wing back to my little colony.
I never thought that I'd learn an important lesson from something as tiny as an ant but I did. Now did this ant ever get the wing back to the colony? I'm not sure but I do know that when I got home I checked the spot where I last saw the ant and the wing and neither were anywhere to be found. I'd like to think that his perseverance and determination paid off because the little guy was not going to give up no matter how impossible the task may have seemed. Watching the ant this morning got me to thinking about my own life again....something I've been doing a lot the past few days. It got me thinking that if a tiny ant isn't willing to give up on the hard tasks and move onto something a lot easier than why can't I be like that? Why can't I stay determined to persevere when I'm faced with a task that seems near impossible? If an ant can do it then so can I.
Another thing I thought about was my parents and their situation. They own their own business and they both also work a second night job. They pretty much work 70 hours a week even though they don't have to. They have both been working 2 jobs for the past 10 years and I've never once heard them complain about how hard it is and how much they want to quit. They do this because they have goals and dreams they want to fulfill and they are willing to do whatever it takes to achieve these goals. So again, I ask myself another question. If my parents can work 2 jobs at their age, with their health declining, then why can't I even work one job? Why have I been making excuses for myself for the past 15 months that I've been unemployed? Excuses like "my depression and anxiety keep me from being able to work a full time job"...."I don't have a car so I'd have to either walk or find a ride and I don't like walking or asking people for help". The worst excuse I've used is "What's the point in working a job that I know I will just quit anyways? I'm doing employers a favor by not having them hire me just so I can quit 3 months later." They all sound pretty dumb I know...trust me I know.
I'm done making excuses. I'm done trying to justify my reasoning for my lack of motivation. Ambition, determination, resilience, perseverance....4 things my life has lacked for pretty much my entire life. I used to wonder why I was so successful in everything I did when I was growing up but I now know the reason behind it is because my parents wouldn't let me quit anything I started. Even as a kid I wanted to quit everything I started if it got a little difficult. But I had great parents that knew I'd regret the decision to quit later on in life so they made me stay focused and do what I needed to be successful. They still try to guide me in the right direction but I never listened to anything they told me. I would go weeks and months without talking to them because they would always lecture me about my life and I wasn't ready to hear it. I knew that everything they told me was true and talking to them forced me to look at the negative decisions I've made so I'd stay away from them in order to keep from having to deal with my problems.
I'm not running away from myself or my family anymore though. I'm determined to face everything head on and not quit to find something easier to do. Life isn't easy and in order to get what you want out of life you have to work hard for it. My parents are working hard. My brothers and my sister are working hard. Millions of people in the world are working hard. But I haven't been working at all. I liked to talk about what I would like to achieve in life but that's all I ever did was talk. I realize now though that I can dream all I want but I'm not going to get anything by just sitting around talking about it. Nothing is going to just be given to me. Everyone else has had to work to get where they are so why do I think I'm so special that I don't have to work to get what I want?
So like the tiny ant, and my family, and my friends, and the millions of other people around the world I will work hard. I will stay determined to accomplish my goals even when things get tough. I won't quit what I'm doing so I can find an easier way of getting what I want. No matter how tough things get I will keep trying and trying until I finally get my hornet's wing back to my little colony.
Direction
Direction is something my life has been lacking for the better part of the last decade. Every day is just so random and I never know what I will be doing until a few minutes before I do it. I have more free time on my hands than I know what to do with. I've become one of those creepy loners who sits in his apartment all day peeking out his window to see what his neighbors are up to. Okay that last line is only half true. I USED to be a loner. I still spend 90% of my time at home. However I don't peak out the window to see what my neighbors are doing...although the old lady that lives across from me does that. Ever since I lost my car earlier this year my life has been lived within a half mile radius of my apartment. I rarely go outside this small little area...just once a month to pay bills and buy groceries. Then it's back within the confinement of my apartment to lounge around all day, browsing the internet, watching t.v., taking a nap, or playing some mindless video game. To most people this may sound like Heaven but to me it's a living Hell.
Think of my life as being a 1000 piece puzzle. Right now the pieces of my life are scattered about and it's hard to see what the completed picture will look like. It's a pretty intimidating image...the pieces of my life just laying there in front of me...my past, present, and future. I've been staring at these pieces for years. Unsure where to start and how to fit them together to form a complete picture. But I don't want to just stare at these pieces anymore. I'm ready for my life to look like the picture on the outside of the box the pieces came in. Not the fuzzy polaroid picture it used to look like but the high definition, high resolution picture it looks like now.
Up until today I didn't know which direction I wanted to take. But last night I took a good hard look at myself and was scared by what I saw. That is when I decided it was time to sit down and start planning out my future rather than blindly walking down roads I had no business walking down. I don't want my life to be a puzzle anymore which is why I now read the signs before I start to walk down the path. I'm currently walking down Recovery Blvd which will eventually intersect with Stability Avenue. I will walk down Stability Avenue until I've reached Happiness Lane. Then I'll take Happiness Lane all the way to my final destination.....Heaven.
Think of my life as being a 1000 piece puzzle. Right now the pieces of my life are scattered about and it's hard to see what the completed picture will look like. It's a pretty intimidating image...the pieces of my life just laying there in front of me...my past, present, and future. I've been staring at these pieces for years. Unsure where to start and how to fit them together to form a complete picture. But I don't want to just stare at these pieces anymore. I'm ready for my life to look like the picture on the outside of the box the pieces came in. Not the fuzzy polaroid picture it used to look like but the high definition, high resolution picture it looks like now.
Up until today I didn't know which direction I wanted to take. But last night I took a good hard look at myself and was scared by what I saw. That is when I decided it was time to sit down and start planning out my future rather than blindly walking down roads I had no business walking down. I don't want my life to be a puzzle anymore which is why I now read the signs before I start to walk down the path. I'm currently walking down Recovery Blvd which will eventually intersect with Stability Avenue. I will walk down Stability Avenue until I've reached Happiness Lane. Then I'll take Happiness Lane all the way to my final destination.....Heaven.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Racing thoughts
Have you ever really felt like writing a blog entry but as soon as you log on to do it your mind goes blank? Or your mind starts racing with 50 different thoughts and you aren't sure which one you want to write about? That's where I'm at right now. And it's usually where I'm at every night around this time....well the racing thoughts part. I try to reach out with an invisible hand to grab just ONE thought I can focus on but as soon as that imaginary hand gets close to a thought it gets slapped away by another thought. This is the reason for my blog title "A Tireless Mind". My mind doesn't just have ADD...it has ADDDDDDDDDDDD (to quote a movie I for some reason can't remember the name of).
That is another thing that is happening to me a lot lately....I'm forgetting things I know I should remember. Names of people, movies, definitions of words, how to spell words that I could spell with ease when I was a kid. I have even forgotten about forgetting certain things as well. The answer to a question I forgot the answer to will pop into my mind a month later out of nowhere as if I had never forgotten it. I'd like to blame my age for all of this but I'm not even 30 yet (24 more days) so I can't use that as an excuse. I honestly think though that my mind has a mind of it's own and is making me forget on purpose because it's evil like that......that's what a crazy person would say anyways. But I'm not crazy...just a little lost and confused.
Don't worry about me though because I'm currently finding my way, so soon I will just be confused and not lost. I'm not even sure I should have made a new paragraph that is how much I've forgotten. Last night I would have been sure but for some reason not tonight. If you're now as lost as I am then welcome to my world. This blog entry has made no sense and yet it makes perfect sense at the same time. How is that even possible?
*sigh*
Forgive me for this post. I don't even know if it's worth posting but at the same time I don't want to feel like I've wasted the past however many minutes it took me to type this so I will undoubtedly click the "Publish Post" button pretty soon. Look at all of these run on sentences haha. My high school English/Grammar teacher would no doubt fail me if I turned in a paper like this. Thank goodness the grammar rules I was taught back then don't apply to blog entries hehe. At least I didn't misspell any words....unless I didn't spell the word "misspell" right then I guess this statement doesn't apply to me anymore.
Look at this! I manged to create one of the most confusing AND boring blog entries EVER by just typing down whatever was on my mind at the time. I should be banned from blogspot and forced to go back and take English/Grammar again. I know what you're thinking right now too. You're thinking "if this is what I have to look forward to reading every time you blog then I won't bother reading them anymore". But fear not my wonderful little readers (all 3 of you) for I promise never to publish another blog as confusing as the one I just managed to type. So keep on reading them because it makes me feel important when I know someone thinks my words are important enough to read or listen to.
That is another thing that is happening to me a lot lately....I'm forgetting things I know I should remember. Names of people, movies, definitions of words, how to spell words that I could spell with ease when I was a kid. I have even forgotten about forgetting certain things as well. The answer to a question I forgot the answer to will pop into my mind a month later out of nowhere as if I had never forgotten it. I'd like to blame my age for all of this but I'm not even 30 yet (24 more days) so I can't use that as an excuse. I honestly think though that my mind has a mind of it's own and is making me forget on purpose because it's evil like that......that's what a crazy person would say anyways. But I'm not crazy...just a little lost and confused.
Don't worry about me though because I'm currently finding my way, so soon I will just be confused and not lost. I'm not even sure I should have made a new paragraph that is how much I've forgotten. Last night I would have been sure but for some reason not tonight. If you're now as lost as I am then welcome to my world. This blog entry has made no sense and yet it makes perfect sense at the same time. How is that even possible?
*sigh*
Forgive me for this post. I don't even know if it's worth posting but at the same time I don't want to feel like I've wasted the past however many minutes it took me to type this so I will undoubtedly click the "Publish Post" button pretty soon. Look at all of these run on sentences haha. My high school English/Grammar teacher would no doubt fail me if I turned in a paper like this. Thank goodness the grammar rules I was taught back then don't apply to blog entries hehe. At least I didn't misspell any words....unless I didn't spell the word "misspell" right then I guess this statement doesn't apply to me anymore.
Look at this! I manged to create one of the most confusing AND boring blog entries EVER by just typing down whatever was on my mind at the time. I should be banned from blogspot and forced to go back and take English/Grammar again. I know what you're thinking right now too. You're thinking "if this is what I have to look forward to reading every time you blog then I won't bother reading them anymore". But fear not my wonderful little readers (all 3 of you) for I promise never to publish another blog as confusing as the one I just managed to type. So keep on reading them because it makes me feel important when I know someone thinks my words are important enough to read or listen to.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Changes
Ambition - the desire to achieve a particular end
That definition was taken from the Merriam-Webster dictionary and it's the one that is most relevant to me. Ambition is something I don't think I've ever had but desperately need if I'm to ever live a productive and meaningful life. Why am I thinking of this now you ask? Because I'm knocking on the door of 30 and unless I make some drastic changes in my life I will end up wasting the next 10 years of my life like I wasted the last 10 years. I've got plenty of goals and dreams but I'm running WAY low on ambition.
I still can't believe I let myself fall this far over the past 10 years. I have been given more opportunities to succeed in life than most people I know and yet I have failed (by my own hand) at everything I've attempted since I was 20 years old. I didn't fail because I wasn't capable. I failed because I lost the desire to be ambitious. I can't begin to describe the regret I feel for allowing myself to get to where I am today. I could write a book about the many stupid things I've done over the years but the only good that would come out of rehashing all the mistakes I have made is to remember never to make those mistakes again. But I don't learn from my mistakes because I still keep making those EXACT same mistakes. And the bad thing is I make them consciously. It's not like I keep doing this by accident because I consciously make the decision to quit everything I start.
My life isn't all bad though. I am blessed to have some of the best friends who have been with me through all the ups and downs I've gone through. Friends who still believe I can be somebody better than I am now even when I find it near impossible to believe it myself. Friends who will take the time out of their day to lecture me for an hour and remind me of all the positive traits I have and do their best to motivate me to do something with my life. And to those friends I say thank you....with everything I have thank you. It's because of people like Bret, Seth, Julie, and Jes that I still believe in myself...even if it is just a little bit. I don't deserve friends like them but for some reason I have them and again...thank you...so much.
I'm determined to take all the advice and motivation everyone has given me over the years and apply it to my life. I don't want anyone to feel that I'm a waste of their time...especially my family. I know some think that and I completely understand why. I have given them no reason to believe I'm finally ready for the changes I need to make. In fact, as I'm writing this I'm finding it hard for me to believe myself.....counterproductive, I know. I can't live like this anymore though....that is for sure. I'll die from stress and depression by the time I'm 50 if I don't do something THIS YEAR. Yes I meant to put that in all caps because I MUST make the changes necessary for me to finally be happy....because I'm definitely not happy and I haven't been in at least 5 years.
Nobody is going to hold me accountable to make sure I follow through with what I've said I want to do in this blog. I have to motivate myself now to change. I'm not a kid anymore and I haven't been in a long time. I'm turning 30 this month so I can't expect anyone to tell me what I need to do and how to do it. I should already know...and trust me I already know. The time for just saying I'm going to change is over. It is now time for ACTION!
Will I hold myself accountable to follow through with these changes? It's up to me to make the answer to this question yes. The path to success is right in front of me. I just need to start taking the baby steps down that path. Put one foot in front of the other........left.....right......left.....right. I'm learning how to walk again but before you know it I'll be sprinting to the finish line....no longer in last place.
That definition was taken from the Merriam-Webster dictionary and it's the one that is most relevant to me. Ambition is something I don't think I've ever had but desperately need if I'm to ever live a productive and meaningful life. Why am I thinking of this now you ask? Because I'm knocking on the door of 30 and unless I make some drastic changes in my life I will end up wasting the next 10 years of my life like I wasted the last 10 years. I've got plenty of goals and dreams but I'm running WAY low on ambition.
I still can't believe I let myself fall this far over the past 10 years. I have been given more opportunities to succeed in life than most people I know and yet I have failed (by my own hand) at everything I've attempted since I was 20 years old. I didn't fail because I wasn't capable. I failed because I lost the desire to be ambitious. I can't begin to describe the regret I feel for allowing myself to get to where I am today. I could write a book about the many stupid things I've done over the years but the only good that would come out of rehashing all the mistakes I have made is to remember never to make those mistakes again. But I don't learn from my mistakes because I still keep making those EXACT same mistakes. And the bad thing is I make them consciously. It's not like I keep doing this by accident because I consciously make the decision to quit everything I start.
My life isn't all bad though. I am blessed to have some of the best friends who have been with me through all the ups and downs I've gone through. Friends who still believe I can be somebody better than I am now even when I find it near impossible to believe it myself. Friends who will take the time out of their day to lecture me for an hour and remind me of all the positive traits I have and do their best to motivate me to do something with my life. And to those friends I say thank you....with everything I have thank you. It's because of people like Bret, Seth, Julie, and Jes that I still believe in myself...even if it is just a little bit. I don't deserve friends like them but for some reason I have them and again...thank you...so much.
I'm determined to take all the advice and motivation everyone has given me over the years and apply it to my life. I don't want anyone to feel that I'm a waste of their time...especially my family. I know some think that and I completely understand why. I have given them no reason to believe I'm finally ready for the changes I need to make. In fact, as I'm writing this I'm finding it hard for me to believe myself.....counterproductive, I know. I can't live like this anymore though....that is for sure. I'll die from stress and depression by the time I'm 50 if I don't do something THIS YEAR. Yes I meant to put that in all caps because I MUST make the changes necessary for me to finally be happy....because I'm definitely not happy and I haven't been in at least 5 years.
Nobody is going to hold me accountable to make sure I follow through with what I've said I want to do in this blog. I have to motivate myself now to change. I'm not a kid anymore and I haven't been in a long time. I'm turning 30 this month so I can't expect anyone to tell me what I need to do and how to do it. I should already know...and trust me I already know. The time for just saying I'm going to change is over. It is now time for ACTION!
Will I hold myself accountable to follow through with these changes? It's up to me to make the answer to this question yes. The path to success is right in front of me. I just need to start taking the baby steps down that path. Put one foot in front of the other........left.....right......left.....right. I'm learning how to walk again but before you know it I'll be sprinting to the finish line....no longer in last place.
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