Last day of 2010

Well, it's the last day of 2010 and I figured I'd be cliche and type up a blog about it.  I still haven't decided whether I'm going to include New Years resolutions or not.  I don't know whether I will include what I liked and didn't like about 2010.  It feels weird that's all I know.  Sitting here in the same spot I sat exactly one year ago probably doing the exact same thing.  It doesn't feel like 2010 will be over in less than 6 hours.  Last year on this day I was unemployed and I had a roommate and the same can be said for this year but my roommate is different.  However instead of waiting until the New Year to start college I decided to finish 2010 on a positive note so that I could say 2010 wasn't a complete waste.  So the first 10 months of this year were a complete waste but it's not how you start a race it's how you finish it right? Well I'm finishing this race enrolled full time in college, having it paid for by Vocational Rehabilitation, with a 4.0 GPA and a hell of a lot happier than I was last year. 

I guess I will include resolutions because there are a few things I'd like to accomplish this year.  Having goals isn't a bad thing so yeah, I'll give you guys my resolutions for this year.  My first resolution will have me working hard all year long to accomplish it.  I want to finish this next year with a 4.0 GPA just like I finished this year with one.  I don't think it's a goal I can't accomplish which is why I'm making it one of my resolutions.  My second resolution  is to be smart with my money this year.  I'm getting extra money while I go to college through a monthly allowance and grants and I could use that money to get out of debt instead of wasting it.  If I keep living off my disability check like I have been for the past year and a half then all of that extra money could have me out of debt before I graduate easily.  My third resolution is to just get a car.  I don't care if it's the greatest thing in the world I'm just tired of my family taking me places or friends driving me around when I have to go into town.  I want to be able to get up and go anywhere I'd like when I get the urge instead of having to wait for a ride somewhere.  Last resolution is probably the most common resolution in the world....I want to lose 30 pounds by this summer.  I'm 30 years old so I'm recognizing the fact that I need to get back into shape now because I'm getting older and I need to prevent bad health not wait until I'm unhealthy and then do something. 

Yes I recognize that my paragraph length, sentence structure, and line spacing isn't correct in this.  I haven't even started English Composition 1 and I'm already critiquing my own writing.  You watch though.  Over the next 6 weeks my blog structure will get better and better because I'll have to start typing that way ALL the time for class.  I'm also planning to get a digital camera so I can take pics that help illustrate my points in my blog.  Maybe include videos and stuff *shrug*.  But they'll get better because I want my writing to evolve and not stay the same forever.  I figure I don't really have many hobbies but if I had to list them writing would be on that list.  I love having the freedom to say whatever I want and only the people that want to listen to what I have to say read it.  But I do need to change up my blog style a bit because no matter how old we are we will ALWAYS enjoy reading things that have pictures included. 

I guess I'm going to end this blog with a Happy New Years and all that good stuff.  I wish I was out with some of you guys but maybe next year.  My goal....to make sure the blog I type on the last day of next year is full of nothing but positive.  HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!! *blows horn*

Merry Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas Eve everyone! I was going to write a Christmas themed blog on Christmas day but I'll be in Lubbock so I scratched that idea and decided to do a Christmas Eve blog.  To be honest I have absolutely nothing to write about the actual holiday of Christmas.  Over the years it's lost it's meaning to me.  I hear that once you have a family and kids you get some of the feelings you felt when you were a kid back but it will never be the same.  This Christmas is gonna be weird with the dang temperatures still hitting in the 80s.  I mean, come on! This is December! It's supposed to be freezing outside and yet it's shorts wearing weather.  That's a big reason I don't feel very Christmasy (yep, I made up Christmasy).  Maybe we'll get lucky and this rain will turn into ice or snow tomorrow...at least THEN it will feel like winter. 

Over the years Christmas has become more about being around family than it has giving or getting gifts.  My pockets aren't exactly overflowing with money I can spend to buy presents for family.  I'm going to college though and I plan to graduate in around 3 years and then I'll finally (crosses fingers) find a job that will allow me to spoil my nieces and nephew on their birthdays and Christmas.  Since I'm being honest I still always feel awkward around my family when we are opening gifts.  I don't feel like I deserve any since I haven't really given anything in years.  Nobody holds up a gift and says "hey look what Jason got me!" so it always feels weird.  I know they understand my situation but it doesn't help with how I feel when nobody is opening anything from me.

The good news is that I'm spending time with family rather than alone like I was kind expecting.  We weren't supposed to be doing anything for Christmas this year because everyone got together on Thanksgiving.  My sister and them alternate holidays they spend with our family and with the family of their significant others.  But apparently they are going to find time for us so we'll be leaving to go to Lubbock tomorrow somewhere between 10 and 12.  It's a 5 hour drive though so thank God I have 4 Rolling Stones magazines and my Ipod I can bring with me.  I'm mostly happy I get to see my nieces.  Kambri finally feels comfortable around me and Kourtney knows me as Uncle Jason without having to be told who I am (of course she's known me as that for a while).  I just haven't spent much time with my nieces so any chance I get to spend with them I'm going to take advantage of.  I enjoy being an uncle but I kinda look forward to being a father one day.

I've yet to see a Christmas tree, many Christmas lights, or any presents.  But that all changes tomorrow and I'm kinda looking forward to it.  Even if I only get in the spirit for one day rather than an entire month like most people do I will still be happy.  This year, I don't care whether I do or don't get anything from anyone.  This year isn't about getting or giving gifts it's just about taking advantage of the time I have to spend with family.  People say 30 isn't old but it's definitely got me thinking about how fast time flies and how little time I may have left to spend with all of my family.  Turning 30 might have been the greatest thing to ever happen to me because it changed my entire mindset and life.  I'm more family oriented now.  I am taking advantage of every opportunity to succeed in life that I can find.  I'm no longer wasting my life doing nothing.  So even though I have no gifts to bring I'm bringing my family a new me...a new Jason.  I will finally be someone they are proud of and I will live up to the potential I know I have so that my family can stop worrying about me.  That's my gift to them....you don't have to worry about me anymore! I'm doing great! But I love my family just because they care.  So Merry Christmas everyone!  Don't forget to watch A Christmas Story at least once before the marathon is over!

First semester is over!

With my first semester at Colorado Technical University Online coming to a close I just felt like I'd reflect back on my time so far and how different it is being a college student at 30 as well as being an online student.  When I first started the University 101 class I laughed when I found out I'd be learning how to be a better student in this class.  I honestly thought this class was going to be a waste of time and did not want to take it.  However I decided to just suck it up and take the class seriously and I'm extremely glad I did.  Throughout the 5 and a half week semester we worked on doing a self assessment as well as a career assessment.  Each week we added a new thing to assess and by the end of the semester I had a Success Strategy Plan that is pretty solid and will help me throughout not only my time at CTU but in life as well.  Finishing the class with a 98 will be a great start towards my goal of graduating in one of the three honors categories.  Plus, I figured that if the government is going to pay for my school, give me my disability check, and a monthly allowance as well that I should show them how grateful I am for what they are doing for me by actually being a good student.  It's not like I have anything else to do since I do not have to work for the next 3 years so why not put some effort into graduating with honors?

Being a college student at 30 really isn't that bad.  It's a lot easier for me than it would be for most 30 year old people because I'm single with no children.  I do not have to work because I'm basically getting paid to go to school so I can focus all of my attention on school rather than trying to balance school with work and family life as well.  I do wish I wouldn't have waited so long to finally be serious about getting my degree and bettering myself.  Had I been serious my first time around when I went to Devry University back in 2005 I'd have been done with school in 2008 and right now I wouldn't be typing up this blog I'd hopefully already be a couple years into my career.  But as the saying goes, "better late than never" right?  The good news is that I decided to take advantage of my veteran benefits before they ran out.  

As far as being an online college student rather than an on campus student well, all I can say is I love it.  I don't want to sound all cliche like the commercials on TV but it is nice being able to roll out of bed and my classroom be less than a foot away.  It is nice not having to sit in a typical classroom setting with the distraction of other students sitting all around me.  Now I don't have a social disorder I just didn't enjoy the classroom setting at all.  I actually had to pay attention and take notes and focus.  In my online classes each live chat is archived so that I can go back and listen to it over again.  There is no need to take notes anymore when the teacher's PowerPoint presentation is available to download and view.  We've got "Learning Labs" that are an extension of what the teacher is teaching and help you with a variety of different subjects.  We also have Challenge Exams that you can take to test your knowledge of any subject.  Free online tutors, access to live IM chatting with Tech Support, Academics, the Library, and your teachers and students are other bonuses of going to school online.  I love this type of college setting! I have no doubt that I'll be successful this time around because behind my computer is where I feel the most comfortable in the world so taking college while sitting behind it is just great.  Within a few years I would guess that 75% of each major university will give students the option of taking some or all of their classes online.  It's just how the future seems to be going.  

Social Networking sites: The good and the bad

So last night I see this status message on Facebook by a friend saying "Cliff Lee is returning to the Rangers! WS here we come!"  Well after finding out my friend got this info from Twitter (although I'm not sure what Twitter source he was using) I went looking for it.  I didn't find anything saying he was returning to the Rangers but because the person who had that status message is such a huge Rangers fan I assumed he was telling the truth.  Well around 4 hours later we hear on ESPN that Cliff Lee is going back to the Phillies and then of course they are talking about it on Mike and Mike as well as ESPN First Take.  So Cliff Lee is going to the Phillies and not the Rangers...it shocked the hell out of me because I didn't think the Phillies were even in the running for him.  But after this happened it got me to thinking:  "How trustworthy is the news you read on Twitter, Facebook, and Myspace?"

I think Twitter is the most untrustworthy social networking site to use if you're looking for up to date news on your favorite people.  Not only that but how confident are we in knowing that it's the actual celebrity, sports star, politician, or news program that is doing the tweeting?  This is the biggest reason why I won't join Twitter or even pay any attention to it because I know a lot of these people pay someone to update their Twitter, Facebook, and Myspace accounts for them.  And a lot of the time the people updating these sites are inputting news that may not even have to do with the actual person.  Most of the stuff posted on Twitter is just random garbage quotes that mean absolutely nothing to the person who owns the Twitter account.  It also bugs the crap out of me when I'm watching a program and they quote statements that celebrities and the like post to Twitter knowing good and well that it's usually a publicist that is making these statements not the actual person.  However these broadcasters take everything that is said on Twitter as fact and to me that makes them pretty naive if they believe everything they read on that site. 

I'm pretty sure Classmates.com is the first social networking site of it's kind that was created and it started back in 1995.  However we're not going to talk about Classmates.com because it was pretty much forgotten about once Myspace and Facebook came around.  There are a ton of social networking sites to use out there including dating sites and blog sites but for the sake of this post we'll stick with the big 3 of Twitter, Myspace, and Facebook.  The rest of the sites are pretty unimportant and insignificant compared to these 3 so there is no use in really talking about them.  I will say this though, they each add something new to the whole "social networking" craze that's been booming for the past 6 to 7 years but none of them have done it quite like the "big 3" have. 

Myspace was founded back in 2003 but I did not get sucked into it until 2004 but even then it was still in it's infancy.  It didn't hit it's peak in popularity until 2006 when it was recognized as the most popular social networking site on the internet.  Back then you couldn't turn on the TV without hearing something about Myspace.  Myspace used to be great but after they started catering more towards the music industry, movie industry, and celebrities it dropped off tremendously.  A few years ago pretty much everyone used Myspace.  At one point there were more than 300,000,000 profiles on it and I'm sure there are even more now.  The thing that made Myspace so great was how easy it was to customize it.  The different layouts you could use made it worth having a profile on.  I would spend hours a day sometimes just customizing it and making it look better than everyone else. The blog feature built in was pretty nice too which is one reason why I kept going back to Myspace.  But it started to get complicated and when all the adults started switching to Facebook I refused to give in.  I had been using Myspace pretty much since the beginning and I wasn't ready to put as much time and effort into Facebook as I did Myspace.  However eventually I had to open a Facebook account because everyone stopped using Myspace and well, that site just got lame and now mostly teenagers use it.


Now there is Facebook which in my opinion took all the positive features (minus the customizing of the profile) from Myspace and just added to it and made it a lot more simple to use.  I'm so glad they don't have a "top friends" option because that always made the rest of your friends jealous or feel unimportant.  Worst feature ever if you ask me so thank God for it not being on Facebook.  I also love Facebook because ever since I started using it I've gotten back into contact with people I hadn't spoken to in 10 or more years.  I love the "like" feature as well.  Almost EVERY website you go to now is connected to Facebook in some way so you can "like" pretty much anything from anywhere and it saves it to your Facebook.  The only drawback to Facebook from my point of view is all the dang applications and games you can add to it.  Not to mention all the "requests" and "invites" you get from people to play these games.  It doesn't bother me all that much because I'm a gamer but I refuse to let myself get sucked into any Facebook games because they can be so time consuming and addicting that you forget about everything else.  A lot of the games require you to have friends help you do things on them.  Castle Age was like that and I had to add almost 100 extra people that played that game to my Facebook so they could help me advance in the game.  I quit playing all Facebook games after that because I just don't like having people on my friends list if I don't actually know them or really talk to them.  Granted forcing you to team up with people in order to advance in games is a great way to make new friends I'd just rather skip all of that and only add people I actually know in real life. 

Alright, and now to the thing that may rub people the wrong way, but don't get upset because I'm guilty of doing this exact same thing.  My question is, "when did everyone all of a sudden start feeling like their life was so important that they felt the need to tell everyone everything they are doing at the moment or will be doing in the future?"  We've got people tweeting and updating their status messages on Facebook and Myspace every hour now days (I'm guilty of updating my status at least a few times a day).  Yes it makes for great social interaction and gives you an insight into the lives of the people you either friend or follow on Twitter but at the same time it can be hella annoying.  I'm not griping or bitching by any means because like I said, I'm guilty of doing this myself.  The biggest issue I have with this is that most of the time the updates are pointless (mine included).  Seriously, does anyone REALLY care that one of your plants died yesterday?  Or that you were up until 3 in the morning doing homework or studying for a test? Is there really a need to update your status message to "Goodnight Facebook, hope everyone has sweet dreams!".  I understand that doing these things may make you feel important because you know people are reading it but the stuff we are actually saying is pretty unimportant to be honest.  Don't get me wrong, I don't plan on changing my Facebook habits just because of what I've said in this post.  And I'm not bashing anyone for doing these things because I do them too.  I just don't understand why we all believe that even the most tedious things are worth posting as our status on any of these sites that's all. 

All in all I think the evolution of social networking has been a great thing for the world.  The benefits of using these sites far outweigh the negative aspects simply because they allow us to stay in contact with family and friends we may not otherwise socialize with had it not been for these sites.  So regardless of all the garbage that is posted to Twitter, the overload of music and corporate profiles on Myspace, and the thousands of games and gifts you get sent on Facebook....I would have to say I enjoy this whole social networking thing.  I've been swept away in the craze just like everyone else however I refuse to use Twitter.  I've cut back the amount of time I'm on Myspace to maybe once a week.  I am guilty of checking and updating my Facebook more than a few times a day though and I do not see that slowing down any time soon. 

I think I've managed to use the words Twitter, Myspace, and Facebook more than any other person ever has before.  *sigh*

Quick update

I know I haven't posted anything in well, a while and I'm way over due.  But with school forcing me to "assess" myself and write all these papers and do powerpoint presentations over them the last thing I've felt like doing was coming here just to talk about myself some more.  Yes, I'm being selfish and I'm sorry because a lot of you actually enjoy reading my posts and for those of you I'm sorry.  Hopefully I'll get the writing bug again soon and I can start adding more entries.  I'm not gone though! Just been focused on learning how to become a good college student that's all.  If all goes as planned I'll have more to say within the next day or so.  Anyways that's my update! Be on the look out for one of my signature book long entries soon. 

Just say NO to mediocrity!

Yep, you read that right.....I'm DONE with all the mediocrity in my life! For at least the past 15 years I've done everything half-assed and just been mediocre at everything (except when I was in high school, I did everything I could to not be a mediocre drummer). But everything else I did, I just did it halfway. I didn't really put much effort into it. But starting today, November 21st, 2010 I am making a vow to "Just say NO to mediocrity!". That will be my motto from this point on in my life. And if anyone would like to have a couple T-shirts made for me with that slogan on them just make sure to get them in X-Large because I'm not quite down to just a large yet *wink*.

But in all seriousness....after this past week of school (my first week of college by the way) and the two 100s I got (one on my "homework" the other on my first test) I decided that rather than just do what I had to in order to graduate and get my degree that I would do everything in my power to graduate with honors. As hard as it will be my goal is to graduate as Summa Cum Laude because that is the highest honors classification there is. But even if I don't graduate with that high of a GPA I would still like to graduate as Magna Cum Laude or just Cum Laude because I know I'm smart enough to graduate in any of those three categories. You see I used to just think that graduating college and getting my degree in Computer Networking would be good enough for me but I have realized that I won't be satisfied with "just graduating". While graduating college is an accomplishment in and of itself to me that won't be good enough. I'm so tired of being an underachiever. And I would feel like an underachiever if I only graduated college and didn't do everything I could to graduate with honors because I know I'm more than capable of doing better than that. And I wouldn't consider graduating with honors as overachieving either because even though nobody even expects me to graduate I know that I expect myself to graduate and do it with honors. That is definitely a goal I know I can achieve even if everyone else in the world believes I will just do whatever it takes to barely get by.

I'm also tired of the mediocre life I've been living for the past 8 years. I mean, I don't do anything new and exciting so I've just been doing the same boring thing over and over and over for the better part of the past 8 years. I need a break from the monotony of my life and I need new and exciting things to try. I need to find things to do outside of the normal things I'd usually do. I can't sit around all day anymore just watching TV, or chatting online, or messing around on Facebook, or playing mindless video games, or just sleeping. I want to get out into the world and go biking, hiking, fishing, walking, or even join a book club. Maybe get involved in something local like volunteering to help out with a food drive, or volunteer for Good Will....hell just volunteer to help with any good cause. Who knows, maybe when I get a car again I can make cards and pass them out at the local bars with a number for people to reach me at so they can call me to pick them up and take them home when they feel they are too drunk to drive and make it a free service. It would keep the streets safer and keep people out of jail for driving drunk. These are just ideas that are popping into my head and if anyone else has any ideas as to ways I can make my life more exciting and meaningful I'd love to hear them in the comments or on Facebook or wherever. It doesn't have to be something for a good cause. You can just respond with the different things you do that may be out of the norm that you do to make your life less monotonous and more exciting and meaningful. Because right now I'm feeling like there's no real meaning to my life and I would just like to create a discussion with you guys and gals on the different ways you occupy your time. I'm a very curious guy.

So just in case I haven't made my point clear yet.....I'M DONE WITH JUST BEING MEDIOCRE AT EVERYTHING AND LIVING A MEDIOCRE LIFE! I put that in all caps because that's me standing on a mountain top screaming it to the world. From this day forward I will put everything I've got into everything I do no matter how small or big the task may be. I plan to be that somewhat annoying overachiever that always seems like he's trying WAY too hard to be good at everything he does. While some people may think that is going overboard I've got 15 years worth of mediocrity to make up for and I plan do to that in the only way I know how....by giving everything I do everything I have. Don't forget about the T-shirts *wink*. That would make a great late birthday present or a perfect Christmas present. So in closing I will leave you with my new motto and I hope you all apply it to your own lives as well:

Just say NO to mediocrity!

What is wrong with some people?!?!?!?

Forgive me if I sound angry in this post because I am angry. Angry at people who are so unhappy with their lives that they do whatever they can to make the people around them be unhappy too. I've been dealing with a friend who is allowing himself to keep being hurt by someone who pushed him out of her life like she didn't give a damn about him anymore. For the past 3 months I've had to watch him hide himself in his music on his mp3 player and shut out the rest of the world and just cry because this girl, even though she told him she wanted him out of her life, won't let him move on and be happy. She'll pretend like she is his friend, like she cares, like she wants him to move on and be happy (which he has) so he'll talk to her as a friend again. But then after a couple of days she finds a way to bring him down and create drama that leaves him crying again. And I know, there is nothing I can do about it and it's not really "her" fault that this is happening because all he needs to do is get her out of his life and he'll be fine. But after you had 2 kids with this person and spent almost an entire decade together it's pretty hard to just forget about them and shut them out of your life.

Here's the scenario: Female and male are together off and on for almost an entire decade. They both have 2 kids together and somehow, someway, they lose these kids. By no fault of the guy (from what I know). But we won't go into that part of the story. She says she's not the only evil one in the relationship but from what everyone else can see when they are around each other we see him doing anything and everything to make her happy and dealing with her bitchy attitude. When they were together and his friend's were over hanging out with them she'd find anyway she could to humiliate him and make herself look like she ran things in the relationship. But he dealt with it because he's truly in love with her. Well apparently a former lover of hers will be coming back into town in less than a year and as soon as she heard this she kicked him out, told him she didn't want him in her life anymore, just out of the blue. So I let him move in with me because all of us were so happy that they had finally split up...even if she was the one who pushed him out of her life. Well for the past 2 and a half months that he's been living with me he's done everything possible (except just letting her go for good) to move on and be happy. And from what we can all see he is happy. That is until she finds a way to crawl back into his life and pretend to be his friend for a couple days just so she can try and get involved in his personal life and create drama for him.

Why am I allowing myself to get involved and upset by this you ask? It's because he's a close friend of mine and he's my friggin roommate! See it doesn't bother her at all that she's doing this to him, in fact I think she enjoys it. She gets a kick out of knowing she still has this effect on him so she keeps on pushing and pushing and pushing until he just breaks down. She knocks him down about every other day and I have to be the one to pick him back up. It's tough because I have my own problems to deal with but his problems overshadow mine and I can't stand to sit back and watch him be down like this. I've done everything I possibly can to try and get him some help since apparently he's not willing to listen to me. I even talked to the girl and told her the best thing for her to do if she TRULY cares about him like she says she does is to just leave him be for a while. Let him enjoy some peace and happiness and cut off all contact with him. Well of course she told me she would and acted like she just can't handle him anymore so she's gonna leave him alone because SHE wants to leave him alone, not because I asked her to. Well this lasted all of one day and of course she found a way to crawl back to him just so she could punch him in the heart again and make him unhappy.

I'm at my wits end though. I don't know how to handle the situation anymore because the ONLY way he is going to truly be happy is if he just lets her go and cuts off all contact with her. That will eliminate ALL the drama in his life and he will finally be happy. But he refuses to do that. He says he's trying but for some reason I don't believe him. So it looks like I will have to continue to deal with this. I will have to continue to try and support him until he just can't take it anymore and throws her out of his life like she supposedly did to him a few months ago. It's extremely tough though when you see a great guy going through crap he doesn't need to go through. But there really isn't anything else I can do but be here for him when he needs me. He's going to have to make the decision on his own to let her go....if he's capable of doing that. So here's to another couple months of having to pick him up everything she knocks him down. Yay for me and BOO for him :(.

Lazy Sunday

So today is a Lazy Sunday....as is every single other Sunday. The only thing I have going on today besides football is my first day of classes at CTU (Colorado Technical University Online). I don't actually have to be there for class because it's not required to show up to online sessions. The ONLY thing I have to do is make sure to do the required homework and group projects and participate in online discussions in order to get good grades. I kinda like the whole idea of not actually having to show up to class and learning everything on my own. I'm a lot better at learning on my own than I am in a classroom setting. I tend to pick up on things faster than everyone else and sitting through class just bores me because 90% of the other students learn slower and the teachers usually teach slow and that is a bad combination for someone like me because then I get frustrated and just quit. So I won't have to worry about that this time around.

I did ALL my laundry on Friday so there was nothing for me to do this weekend. I took care of ALL the extra paperwork I had to fill out before classes started on Friday. I bought enough groceries to last me until I get paid again this next Friday so I don't have to worry about that either. I don't think I have anything left to do today besides my first class assignment which is just a 2 or 3 paragraph introduction about who I am, why I chose to go back to college, why I chose CTU, and all of that other boring stuff. And for those of you who read my blogs you know I have no problems talking about myself so they may get 5 or 6 paragraphs instead of the required 2 to 3.

As for NFL football today. I'm gonna watch the Cowboys play only because no matter how bad they are I still root for them. But since their season is pretty much over I have decided that I will pay most of my attention on the Browns and the Titans. I love knowing that Colt McCoy is playing well and proving everyone wrong. He's showing them he CAN be a good NFL quarterback and silencing all the doubters. And well, Vince Young is injured but I still care about watching his Titans because regardless of whether or not they are still playing for UT I care about both our former quarterbacks.

So that's it for my Sunday....I had a video I was gonna show you guys from The Lonely Island called "Lazy Sunday" but apparently I can't post youtube videos on here. I'll have to figure out which sites it will let me post videos from so I can start adding them to my entries. Anyways, enjoy your Sunday folks and I hope everyone's Sunday is as lazy as mine!

Stats

This entry will be short only because I'm currently reading over my stats and I'm noticing the different traffic sources to my blog and ways people find it. Most of the time all I see is how many readers I've had for the day/week/month and at what times my blog was accessed. Then it tells me how many times each blog has been read and the comments left and such. But anyone who uses blogspot for your writing knows all of this already. The real reason I am typing this up is because I just noticed today that there are people actually out there searching on Google for the keywords "A Tireless Mind". My blog has started to garner enough attention through word of mouth and Facebook and just by me talking about it with family and friends that I now have people logging onto their computers, going to Google, and typing in the words "A Tireless Mind" specifically looking for my blog. I never imagined that I'd have any readers outside those who see the link to my blog on Facebook so I was pleasantly surprised when I looked at my stats today and noticed there were people searching for my blog specifically on Google. This just blows me away and motivates me to keep on writing. Now that I know that not only do my Facebook friends care to read my blog and that people I might not even know are out there searching for it specifically I will definitely do my best to keep making daily posts. Only from now on my posts won't just be boring ramble talking about myself and my life. Yes I will keep on making posts like that for those of you who like to be updated with what's going on in my world but I will start to find new and more interesting things to talk about that have nothing to do with me. Who knows....I could be the next Perez Hilton (only a lot less gay and a hell of a lot more interesting). I won't be focusing on entertainment and celebrities though to write about. And I don't want to be like him. I want to be original (if originality is even possible now days).

I don't want to get too excited because having my blog specifically searched for on Google might not mean anything at all. But I'm not going to let that tiny little detail keep me from feeling good about this. So yes, I'm bragging....just a little. But I'm bragging with good reason because it feels good to know that I'm starting to get known outside the Facebook world.

And I thought my life couldn't get any better.....

So as I stated in my last blog entry "The Future's So Bright, I gotta wear shades". Well I don't think shades will be enough anymore....I need blinders! I didn't think my life could get any better after I found out me and my friend would be starting our own Graphic Web Design business but boy was I ever wrong. In fact, so many great things have happened to me since then that well, I'm going to take a few minutes to brag about them to all of you.

About a week after finding out about the business opportunity that was presented to me I decided to look online for colleges that were in Colorado so I could work on finishing my Bachelor's degree in Computer Networking. Well I wasn't expecting to find Colorado Technical University Online because I was only looking for colleges with campuses that I could attend when I decided to move to Colorado. The idea of taking online classes to get my degree didn't even cross my mind at the time so when I found CTU and saw that not only could I attend classes on campus but I could get my degree completely online if I wanted naturally I was interested in them. So I requested more information from them and well, the very next morning I got a call from one of the advisers there. After talking to him and him showing me the degree programs and what was available they quickly became my first and only choice for which college I wanted to attend. Their Bachelor's in Computer Networking also throws in some programming classes in with it so that would definitely help when it came to programming and designing websites. So I got the call on Friday morning (Oct. 29th) and by 6pm that day I was already enrolled and accepted into the Bachelor's of Science in Information Technology - Computer Networking program. Then by that following Tuesday after filling out all the paperwork for the Post 9/11 GI Bill, Montgomery GI Bill, and Vocational Rehabilitation I found out that my college degree would be completely paid for by the government and I wouldn't have to get any student loans and no money would come out of my pocket for it! So I start my first class on November 14th and if all goes as planned come the end of November in 2013 I will have my Bachelor's in Computer Networking from Colorado Technical University!

If you think that's where the good news for this blog ends then you're mistaken my friends. After being encouraged by my friend Luke to do some research on getting paid to write blogs (because apparently my writing style is enjoyable, interesting, and fun to read) I decided to do some research on how to go about doing that. Well I found this company that is basically a portal for other websites and companies that need writers to do blogs, write articles, and promote products for them through talented writing and after signing up with them and letting them see my blog (A Tireless Mind) they contacted me a few days later and offered me the opportunity to get paid to use my talents to get paid writing for other websites and other companies. So after I finish the orientation and a few phone interviews and what not then I'll start getting paid to write as many blogs/articles as I want for many different companies. It just depends on how many or how few blogs/articles I'd like to type up because there is no requirement for me to do any at all if I don't want. I'd basically be a freelance writer which is perfect because I write for enjoyment not because I'm being forced to because it's my job. Being required to write and having a deadline would take all the fun and creativity out of my writing so this is the perfect way for me to make some extra money while I'm a full-time student.

Well I'm done bragging about the great things that are happening in my life right now. This last part will be me expressing my excitement at the return of one of the greatest things to EVER be created in the history of food.....yep.....you guessed it right.....The Mcrib Sandwich! Now I understand many people can't stand them and bash them because it's not really a rib and it's not really pork or any of that stuff. I'm not exactly sure what kind of meat is used to make them but in all honesty I don't care! They taste so good that if Mcdonalds made them year round I would weigh a good 50 pounds more than I do now because I'd eat them so often that our local Mcdonalds would run out just because of me and I'd have to drive an hour out of my way each day just to satisfy my cravings. These miracles of a sandwich are only around at the most 8 weeks a year and during those 8 weeks I would have to say I spend at least $50 a week specifically on them....well, I used to at least. Not having a car has limited the amount of times I can make it to Mcdonalds to get them so this year I won't get to eat anywhere near as many as I'd like which could be a blessing because I'm in the process of trying to lose 35 pounds and if I had access to the Mcrib every day I'd never lose weight. But trust me, before they go away for yet another year I will make sure to have eaten my fair share so that I can be sure to have satisfied my craving for these delicious little fake rib sandwiches to get me through another year without them.

Well friends, the time has come for me to end this book of a blog entry. I've got to start doing some research on the many different ways to blog so that I can utilize some new ideas on how to best illustrate my stories and the things I'd like to say. I also need to decide which style of blogging I would like to use in order to create the most interest that way I can make more money. So if any of you have any ideas on how to be a better blogger then I'm open to suggestions. If you think my style of blogging is just fine and is good enough already then let me know that too. I need feedback people! Whether you're a blogger or you just enjoy reading blogs I need to know what keeps you coming back to read either my entries or any other people's blogs you frequent. So don't be afraid to give me some constructive criticism...I'm open to any ideas and advice you have. In fact....I look forward to it!

The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades

I promised my friend Julie that I'd post a positive blog today since a lot of my prior blogs have been somewhat depressing so here I am, fulfilling that promise. The past 10 days have been a blur to me because so many great things have happened. I have been walking around with a constant smile on my face ever since I reconnected with my friend Luke, and started hanging out with some good friends from high school again (Kenny and Scottie).

For the past 2 years I have done nothing but talk about moving to Austin. That was my main goal in life was to get out of Brownwood and back to Austin because I love it there and it's where most of my best friends live. But this past week me and my friend Luke started talking and he's got a Graphic Web Design business that he had to put on hold for a while because he got sent to Iraq and he won't be back from there for another 9 months. Well when he gets back he plans to move to Colorado and reopen his business and he asked me to become a partner in the business with him and I accepted. So I am now part owner of a soon to be up and coming Graphic Design Business. We haven't come up with a name yet, we are still in the planning phase on exactly what we will be doing and who our primary market will be. But with the combined knowledge of the both of us and our determination to make this business work I have a really good feeling that this could be the start of a wonderful future for me. It may have taken me 10 years to get the ball rolling on starting my career but if this business turns out as good as we expect it to then it was well worth the 10 year wait. It's always been my dream to own my own business and if I have to move to Colorado to do that then Colorado here I come......in about a year.

As far as everything else is going I'm pretty psyched about finally getting out and hanging with some good friends that I grew up with. This past weekend we watched UFC 121 and while everyone else predicted Brock Lesnar was going to win the fight I had a strong feeling that Cain Velasquez would end up knocking him out and well, I was right! It was such a kick ass fight though. There were about 8 of us at Kenny's house and all during the fight we were up on our feet screaming and yelling and jumping around like a bunch of kids in a bouncy house. If I'm not mistaken there are some videos posted on youtube of some of the wrestling matches that went on after the fights were over. I know there are pics but you'll have to get a hold of Scottie and Kenny for them because I don't have any. But regardless it was the most fun I've had all year and I look forward to the next time we get together and do that again.

I've got a good feeling that my future will be a great one and that I will finally start to fulfill some of the dreams I had set out to fulfill when I graduated high school. I've learned that when you start thinking positive that positive things will happen. Over the past month I've completely changed my mindset and how I feel towards life and because of that so many great things have happened. Reconnected with great friends, and I've got plans for opening a business in Colorado with my good friend Luke. Those are some pretty great things if you ask me....and to quote an old 80s song...."The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades"

2000 - 2002: My time in England

I don't even know where to begin with this post.....I'm sad I know that. I spent almost all of last night/this morning listening to music that reminds me of those 2 years and I won't lie, I teared up thinking about it. I even broke open the picture album to go through some memories of my first time going to London. To think, I waited until after a year and a half of me living there before I finally went to London. But over the last 6 months that I lived there I was able to spend a couple weekends a month visiting different cities in England and even a weekend white water rafting in Wales. As I look back on the 3 and a half years I spent in the Air Force only my time in England brings back good memories.....but sometimes good memories can make you cry. HA! I'm a baby...sitting here tearing up because I miss England so much......damn you slow songs!

I won't lie, I got sucked into British pop music. It was impossible not to if you lived there. It's all the clubs would play and it was all you saw on TV cause I could only get British TV channels. I fell in love with bands like Steps, S Club 7, Westlife (OMG a boy band!), Craig David, So Solid Crew, All Saints (OMG a girl band!), Atomic Kitten (another girl band!), and Blue (another boy band). I couldn't wait for Saturday and Sunday mornings when "Top of the Pops" came on because I got to see these bands live. Long before American Idol there was Popstars and the first 5 people that won went on to create the band Hear'Say and well, I loved them too. S Club 7 even had their own TV show and yes, I watched it even though it was meant for teens. As cheesy as this music was I was a sucker for it all. You should really go look up some of these bands....although I doubt you'll find them as alluring as I do.

I even got hooked on a few British soap operas like EastEnders, Hollyoaks, and Brookside. I'm pretty sure some of them still play on BBC 1 (if you get that channel).

Perhaps the thing I miss the most about England was the culture and the beauty of the country. I had never lived in a place where the grass and leaves on trees were green all year round. The people were so interesting and I LOVED their accent. The further away from RAF Lakenheath you went the less the people there were accustomed to being around Americans. When I went to Bala, Wales to spend the weekend camping and white water rafting we spent one night hitting up the different pubs in town. We literally had a group of 20 Welsh people following us from pub to pub buying us drinks because they weren't used to Americans being in town. They treated us like rock stars and I won't lie and say I didn't like it. It seemed like every pub/club we went to was the most hopping place in town because of the entourage we had following us. None of us guys refused any free drinks and before the night was over we were all drunk off our asses. I don't even remember how I got back to the campsite. I do remember getting separated from the group and stumbling my way to a bench that I might have passed out on. Ohhhh, those were happy days!

RAF Lakenheath was a great base to be stationed at. I almost made a HUGE mistake and traded my base with one of the guys that was in my tech school class for $500. I was only 20 at the time we got our assignments and the thought of going overseas when I had never even been to Mexico seemed really scary to me. I was so afraid of being that far away from home for the first time in my life. Had I not called my parents and had them talk me out of trading assignments I would have never experienced life in England. I also would have never become friends with some of the most awesome people I've ever met. I only kept in touch with one of the guys though and we are still in contact now. Luke if you're reading this I just want to thank you for putting up with me for 3 straight years. I went through some hard times and you were there for me the entire time never judging me or looking down on me for the mental breakdowns I had. Had it not been for you I'm not sure I could have gotten through some of the things I went through. I owe you a lot buddy and I'm gonna come see you sometime soon!

I'm conflicted right now though. I have one side of my brain telling me it wants to move back to Austin and then the other side begging me to move to England. Now I know living in England is most likely not a possibility but it doesn't hurt to dream. Who knows, I could end up living there again before I die.....that would be nice. Most of all I want to take a trip back to England so I can spend a week there reliving some of the best times of my life. I think it would be good for me to revisit the start of my adulthood. I went from being a scared 20 year old kid afraid of leaving the states to a fearless 22 year old ready to take on the world.

How naive I was back then though. Thinking life would be easy and that I was destined to achieve great things. I left England in May of 2002 with high hopes for a successful future. But everything changed over the next 7 months. However the story of my last 7 months in the Air Force is for another blog that I might post on another day....who knows?

I miss the accents, the culture, the music, the TV shows, the countryside, the Air Force base, the friends I made, the foods I ate. I even miss driving cars with the steering wheel on the right side of the car on the opposite side of the road as we drove in the states. The constant rain, the cloudy weather, the cool temperatures...it was gloomy weather but I loved it nonetheless. Living in England was like living in another world. A world so far away from everything I was accustomed to. It was a world that took me on adventures unlike any I could have experienced in the US. A world with castles and churches that date back to Medieval times. You don't need a time machine to experience history. You need only fly across the ocean and visit England. If you ever get a chance to go then you should go. It's a country I feel EVERYONE should visit at least once. And hopefully you'll come back with great memories like the ones I have.

Total Health Makeover

I've been taking the necessary steps over the past couple of weeks to get my physical and mental health back to good. I've had countless blood tests, a few x-rays, an EKG, and some sit downs with a couple of doctors at the VA Health Care Center. There is a possibility that I have high blood pressure so they are sending me a monitor so I can check my blood pressure 2 times a day for a few weeks to see if there are any changes. I've also signed up to meet with a dietitian so I can start eating healthy. I'm also enrolled in what they call the Move Program which is basically a weight watchers class for veterans. I figure that since I'm about to be 30 that I need to start focusing on my health more so that I don't have serious problems as I get older. My goal is to lose 35 pounds over the next 7 months....basically 5 pounds a month.

Along with my physical health my mental health will also get better. I'm convinced that a big reason I still suffer from anxiety and depression is because of my weight. I have lost a lot of self confidence over the years due to the weight issue. It's kinda like a snowball effect. Lose your self confidence, then become depressed because you feel you are worthless, and in turn suffer from anxiety because you're constantly worried about what people think about you. However my weight isn't the only reason I'm still depressed most of the time. Sitting around doing nothing every day doesn't exactly help me any. The lazier I get the more depressed I get so I'm currently working on finding employment and getting back to walking/jogging every day. Not to mention if I can get my sleeping pattern back to normal that will help tremendously.

I'm thinking of starting another blog specifically for chronicling my journey to 175 pounds and no more depression/anxiety. Keeping a blog will help me keep myself accountable to continue with these positive changes I'm making in my life. I am positive that I will succeed this time because I'm voluntarily changing my daily routine. Nobody has pressured me or even really talked to me about this. I decided on my own to do all of these things and if you know me then you'll know this is a first. I usually only do things because I feel pressured but not anymore. I'm changing my life because I want to not because someone else wants me to. So here is to the start of a new life.....cheers!

Under the weather

Sorry I haven't posted anything in a few days. I've been a little under the weather. I have a doctor appointment in the morning so hopefully I'll figure out what's wrong. Once I feel better I will get back to posting something every day. Hope everyone is doing well.

Bullying and suicides

All I've been reading about and hearing the past month is how bad bullying has gotten in schools and how many kids have taken their own lives because of it. I'm actually pretty angered by this news and I usually don't get worked up over things that don't have a direct impact on my life. I'm not only upset with the kids who are doing the bullying but I'm upset with the schools, the friends of the kids, and the parents of not only the bullies but the kids who commit suicide.

First of all, what is wrong with most kids now days? So many children and teens have serious problems with anger, depression, and aggression. So many teachers and parents apparently don't pay enough attention to the kids because every time a kid commits suicide it's "a shock this happened because he/she was such a happy person". Didn't ANYONE around these kids notice they were depressed or angry? Teachers you spend 8 hours a day around these kids and parents you spend the rest of the time around them. Are you really not paying enough attention to notice something is different about them? There is a school in Ohio that's had 4 suicides by kids who were bullied over the past 2 years! And not every kid that committed suicide is gay either. It just so happens that gay kids tend to be targeted by bullies more often than others.

I have a feeling that the reason the parents don't notice anything different about their children is because they don't spend enough time with them. Now days parents stick their child in front of a TV, or computer, or a video game and let it raise them. When I was growing up we had ONE TV for the entire family to use so if you wanted to watch anything you did it together as a family. Now days every single room in the house (sometimes including the bathroom) has a TV to watch. Kids come home, lock themselves in their rooms, and that's where they stay until the next day. That is NO way to raise your kid. Your job is not more important than your kids. The stupid video game you want to play is not more important than your kids. Your friends are NOT more important than your kids.

I know I probably don't understand how hard it is to raise a kid because I don't have any. I don't know how hard it is to teach a kid because I'm not a teacher. But I still find it hard to believe that absolutely nobody noticed there was anything wrong before they decided to take their own lives. It's highly possible that people noticed but were afraid to speak up because "it's none of their business" or "they were afraid they would get bullied". Kids are under so much pressure to be "cool" and "popular" that they are willing to sit back idly and watch this stuff happen. This is not right!

We need more kids like the friends I had in 6th grade who kept me from being bullied. I've never told anyone this because it wasn't that big of a deal and it didn't happen very often. But I had 2 awesome people take me under their wing in order to keep me from being picked on. Hayden and Kevin both allowed me to hang out with them before and after school because the people who were causing the problems left me alone thanks to them. I didn't go asking anyone for help and I certainly didn't tell my parents or any teachers about this. They just saw me getting picked on and stopped it. I wish there were more people in the world like that.

Parents talk to your kids please! Teachers talk to your students please! You have the power to stop the bullying. You have the power to prevent anything like this from happening again. Use this power to help your children. Talk to them and find out if there is anything bothering them. Show them that it's okay to open up and that they don't have to be afraid to tell anyone about being bullied. If your kid is the one doing the bullying find out why they are so aggressive and what they have to be angry about. Teachers talk to both set of parents or find someone at your school who will talk to them. That's all you have to do.....talk. Communication can be the most effective way of preventing this from happening. Most kids won't come to you so you need to go to them. If you have kids go talk to them tonight. Don't wait another day because it could be your last chance to help them. Let's stop this from happening again......

Mental Exhaustion

Yes I know....I have been keeping you waiting and anxious for my next blog entry. You'll have to forgive me because I'm suffering from extreme mental exhaustion. I have taken a lot of time over the past week to reevaluate my life and figure out which direction I wanted to go in regards to my future. I haven't slept much because I was having a hard time keeping my thoughts under control. I've been stressing about so much that it has kept me awake for the better part of the past few days.

I've typed out a few entries over the past couple of days only to delete them before I posted them because I felt they weren't worth reading. One was discussing how I felt about the bullying and suicides that have been going on in schools across the U.S. It seems like every time I turn on the news I am seeing a story about another kid who committed suicide because they were bullied. Another entry was about selfish vs. selfless people in the world today. I talked about how the selfish people took advantage of the selfless people because they knew they could take from us (I say us because I'm selfless and I'm always being taken advantage of). The 3rd entry was about Tru TV and how unrealistic their so called reality TV is. Shows like Operation Repo, Worked Up, Hardcore Pawn, and Mama's Roadhouse claim to all be true but if you've seen any of them you'll know they were most likely all staged. The scenarios that play out in each of these shows is so off the wall, crazy, and frequent that it's hard to believe anything that goes on in them.

I think I'm finally ready to get some sleep though. It's currently 5:35 AM (as I'm typing) and I have a feeling I will be sleeping most of the day today. For the first time in over a week I think I am finally tired enough to get some much needed DEEP sleep. I've been sitting here in front of my computer for the past 2 hours, staring at my screen, suffering from writer's block. It's rare that I don't have something to write about....even if it's something small. My thoughts have finally slowed down to the point where I can relax so I think I'm going to take advantage of this time and go to bed.

If any of you would like me to elaborate on my thoughts and feelings on the different things I had written about and then deleted let me know and I will retype my entries. Even if nobody says they want me to post anything I will probably still do it eventually. But that will come AFTER I get the much welcomed rest I need. So I'm out people. If you need me you can find me in Dreamland....which just so happens to look a lot like the video from Katy Perry's "California Girls".........................OH YEAH!

Determination

As I was sitting outside this morning waiting for my ride to pick me up and take me to my doctor appointment I spied a tiny tiny ant trying to carry what looked like a hornet's wing that was 5 times bigger than it was. I probably watched him for close to 45 minutes before I was picked up. During that entire 45 minutes this little guy would pick up the wing (obviously too hard for him to carry alone) and try to move it. He'd get the wing picked up and start to move but then a tiny gust of wind would blow the wing an inch or so away from the ant. Now when most people would have given up after a few failed attempts this little ant was determined to get it back to the ant colony. It didn't matter how many attempts it took or how hard it was to do alone he never gave up. This little guy had a job to do and nothing was going to get in his way of doing it....not the wind, the size of the wing, or fatigue (if ants can get fatigued).

I never thought that I'd learn an important lesson from something as tiny as an ant but I did. Now did this ant ever get the wing back to the colony? I'm not sure but I do know that when I got home I checked the spot where I last saw the ant and the wing and neither were anywhere to be found. I'd like to think that his perseverance and determination paid off because the little guy was not going to give up no matter how impossible the task may have seemed. Watching the ant this morning got me to thinking about my own life again....something I've been doing a lot the past few days. It got me thinking that if a tiny ant isn't willing to give up on the hard tasks and move onto something a lot easier than why can't I be like that? Why can't I stay determined to persevere when I'm faced with a task that seems near impossible? If an ant can do it then so can I.

Another thing I thought about was my parents and their situation. They own their own business and they both also work a second night job. They pretty much work 70 hours a week even though they don't have to. They have both been working 2 jobs for the past 10 years and I've never once heard them complain about how hard it is and how much they want to quit. They do this because they have goals and dreams they want to fulfill and they are willing to do whatever it takes to achieve these goals. So again, I ask myself another question. If my parents can work 2 jobs at their age, with their health declining, then why can't I even work one job? Why have I been making excuses for myself for the past 15 months that I've been unemployed? Excuses like "my depression and anxiety keep me from being able to work a full time job"...."I don't have a car so I'd have to either walk or find a ride and I don't like walking or asking people for help". The worst excuse I've used is "What's the point in working a job that I know I will just quit anyways? I'm doing employers a favor by not having them hire me just so I can quit 3 months later." They all sound pretty dumb I know...trust me I know.

I'm done making excuses. I'm done trying to justify my reasoning for my lack of motivation. Ambition, determination, resilience, perseverance....4 things my life has lacked for pretty much my entire life. I used to wonder why I was so successful in everything I did when I was growing up but I now know the reason behind it is because my parents wouldn't let me quit anything I started. Even as a kid I wanted to quit everything I started if it got a little difficult. But I had great parents that knew I'd regret the decision to quit later on in life so they made me stay focused and do what I needed to be successful. They still try to guide me in the right direction but I never listened to anything they told me. I would go weeks and months without talking to them because they would always lecture me about my life and I wasn't ready to hear it. I knew that everything they told me was true and talking to them forced me to look at the negative decisions I've made so I'd stay away from them in order to keep from having to deal with my problems.

I'm not running away from myself or my family anymore though. I'm determined to face everything head on and not quit to find something easier to do. Life isn't easy and in order to get what you want out of life you have to work hard for it. My parents are working hard. My brothers and my sister are working hard. Millions of people in the world are working hard. But I haven't been working at all. I liked to talk about what I would like to achieve in life but that's all I ever did was talk. I realize now though that I can dream all I want but I'm not going to get anything by just sitting around talking about it. Nothing is going to just be given to me. Everyone else has had to work to get where they are so why do I think I'm so special that I don't have to work to get what I want?

So like the tiny ant, and my family, and my friends, and the millions of other people around the world I will work hard. I will stay determined to accomplish my goals even when things get tough. I won't quit what I'm doing so I can find an easier way of getting what I want. No matter how tough things get I will keep trying and trying until I finally get my hornet's wing back to my little colony.

Direction

Direction is something my life has been lacking for the better part of the last decade. Every day is just so random and I never know what I will be doing until a few minutes before I do it. I have more free time on my hands than I know what to do with. I've become one of those creepy loners who sits in his apartment all day peeking out his window to see what his neighbors are up to. Okay that last line is only half true. I USED to be a loner. I still spend 90% of my time at home. However I don't peak out the window to see what my neighbors are doing...although the old lady that lives across from me does that. Ever since I lost my car earlier this year my life has been lived within a half mile radius of my apartment. I rarely go outside this small little area...just once a month to pay bills and buy groceries. Then it's back within the confinement of my apartment to lounge around all day, browsing the internet, watching t.v., taking a nap, or playing some mindless video game. To most people this may sound like Heaven but to me it's a living Hell.

Think of my life as being a 1000 piece puzzle. Right now the pieces of my life are scattered about and it's hard to see what the completed picture will look like. It's a pretty intimidating image...the pieces of my life just laying there in front of me...my past, present, and future. I've been staring at these pieces for years. Unsure where to start and how to fit them together to form a complete picture. But I don't want to just stare at these pieces anymore. I'm ready for my life to look like the picture on the outside of the box the pieces came in. Not the fuzzy polaroid picture it used to look like but the high definition, high resolution picture it looks like now.

Up until today I didn't know which direction I wanted to take. But last night I took a good hard look at myself and was scared by what I saw. That is when I decided it was time to sit down and start planning out my future rather than blindly walking down roads I had no business walking down. I don't want my life to be a puzzle anymore which is why I now read the signs before I start to walk down the path. I'm currently walking down Recovery Blvd which will eventually intersect with Stability Avenue. I will walk down Stability Avenue until I've reached Happiness Lane. Then I'll take Happiness Lane all the way to my final destination.....Heaven.

Racing thoughts

Have you ever really felt like writing a blog entry but as soon as you log on to do it your mind goes blank? Or your mind starts racing with 50 different thoughts and you aren't sure which one you want to write about? That's where I'm at right now. And it's usually where I'm at every night around this time....well the racing thoughts part. I try to reach out with an invisible hand to grab just ONE thought I can focus on but as soon as that imaginary hand gets close to a thought it gets slapped away by another thought. This is the reason for my blog title "A Tireless Mind". My mind doesn't just have ADD...it has ADDDDDDDDDDDD (to quote a movie I for some reason can't remember the name of).


That is another thing that is happening to me a lot lately....I'm forgetting things I know I should remember. Names of people, movies, definitions of words, how to spell words that I could spell with ease when I was a kid. I have even forgotten about forgetting certain things as well. The answer to a question I forgot the answer to will pop into my mind a month later out of nowhere as if I had never forgotten it. I'd like to blame my age for all of this but I'm not even 30 yet (24 more days) so I can't use that as an excuse. I honestly think though that my mind has a mind of it's own and is making me forget on purpose because it's evil like that......that's what a crazy person would say anyways. But I'm not crazy...just a little lost and confused. 

Don't worry about me though because I'm currently finding my way, so soon I will just be confused and not lost. I'm not even sure I should have made a new paragraph that is how much I've forgotten. Last night I would have been sure but for some reason not tonight. If you're now as lost as I am then welcome to my world. This blog entry has made no sense and yet it makes perfect sense at the same time. How is that even possible?

*sigh*

Forgive me for this post. I don't even know if it's worth posting but at the same time I don't want to feel like I've wasted the past however many minutes it took me to type this so I will undoubtedly click the "Publish Post" button pretty soon. Look at all of these run on sentences haha. My high school English/Grammar teacher would no doubt fail me if I turned in a paper like this. Thank goodness the grammar rules I was taught back then don't apply to blog entries hehe. At least I didn't misspell any words....unless I didn't spell the word "misspell" right then I guess this statement doesn't apply to me anymore.

Look at this! I manged to create one of the most confusing AND boring blog entries EVER by just typing down whatever was on my mind at the time. I should be banned from blogspot and forced to go back and take English/Grammar again. I know what you're thinking right now too. You're thinking "if this is what I have to look forward to reading every time you blog then I won't bother reading them anymore". But fear not my wonderful little readers (all 3 of you) for I promise never to publish another blog as confusing as the one I just managed to type. So keep on reading them because it makes me feel important when I know someone thinks my words are important enough to read or listen to.

Changes

Ambition - the desire to achieve a particular end

That definition was taken from the Merriam-Webster dictionary and it's the one that is most relevant to me.  Ambition is something I don't think I've ever had but desperately need if I'm to ever live a productive and meaningful life. Why am I thinking of this now you ask? Because I'm knocking on the door of 30 and unless I make some drastic changes in my life I will end up wasting the next 10 years of my life like I wasted the last 10 years. I've got plenty of goals and dreams but I'm running WAY low on ambition.

I still can't believe I let myself fall this far over the past 10 years. I have been given more opportunities to succeed in life than most people I know and yet I have failed (by my own hand) at everything I've attempted since I was 20 years old. I didn't fail because I wasn't capable. I failed because I lost the desire to be ambitious. I can't begin to describe the regret I feel for allowing myself to get to where I am today. I could write a book about the many stupid things I've done over the years but the only good that would come out of rehashing all the mistakes I have made is to remember never to make those mistakes again. But I don't learn from my mistakes because I still keep making those EXACT same mistakes. And the bad thing is I make them consciously. It's not like I keep doing this by accident because I consciously make the decision to quit everything I start.

My life isn't all bad though. I am blessed to have some of the best friends who have been with me through all the ups and downs I've gone through. Friends who still believe I can be somebody better than I am now even when I find it near impossible to believe it myself. Friends who will take the time out of their day to lecture me for an hour and remind me of all the positive traits I have and do their best to motivate me to do something with my life. And to those friends I say thank you....with everything I have thank you. It's because of people like Bret, Seth, Julie, and Jes that I still believe in myself...even if it is just a little bit. I don't deserve friends like them but for some reason I have them and again...thank you...so much.

I'm determined to take all the advice and motivation everyone has given me over the years and apply it to my life. I don't want anyone to feel that I'm a waste of their time...especially my family. I know some think that and I completely understand why. I have given them no reason to believe I'm finally ready for the changes I need to make. In fact, as I'm writing this I'm finding it hard for me to believe myself.....counterproductive, I know. I can't live like this anymore though....that is for sure. I'll die from stress and depression by the time I'm 50 if I don't do something THIS YEAR. Yes I meant to put that in all caps because I MUST make the changes necessary for me to finally be happy....because I'm definitely not happy and I haven't been in at least 5 years.

Nobody is going to hold me accountable to make sure I follow through with what I've said I want to do in this blog. I have to motivate myself now to change. I'm not a kid anymore and I haven't been in a long time. I'm turning 30 this month so I can't expect anyone to tell me what I need to do and how to do it. I should already know...and trust me I already know. The time for just saying I'm going to change is over. It is now time for ACTION!

Will I hold myself accountable to follow through with these changes? It's up to me to make the answer to this question yes. The path to success is right in front of me. I just need to start taking the baby steps down that path. Put one foot in front of the other........left.....right......left.....right. I'm learning how to walk again but before you know it I'll be sprinting to the finish line....no longer in last place.