Forgive me if I sound angry in this post because I am angry. Angry at people who are so unhappy with their lives that they do whatever they can to make the people around them be unhappy too. I've been dealing with a friend who is allowing himself to keep being hurt by someone who pushed him out of her life like she didn't give a damn about him anymore. For the past 3 months I've had to watch him hide himself in his music on his mp3 player and shut out the rest of the world and just cry because this girl, even though she told him she wanted him out of her life, won't let him move on and be happy. She'll pretend like she is his friend, like she cares, like she wants him to move on and be happy (which he has) so he'll talk to her as a friend again. But then after a couple of days she finds a way to bring him down and create drama that leaves him crying again. And I know, there is nothing I can do about it and it's not really "her" fault that this is happening because all he needs to do is get her out of his life and he'll be fine. But after you had 2 kids with this person and spent almost an entire decade together it's pretty hard to just forget about them and shut them out of your life.
Here's the scenario: Female and male are together off and on for almost an entire decade. They both have 2 kids together and somehow, someway, they lose these kids. By no fault of the guy (from what I know). But we won't go into that part of the story. She says she's not the only evil one in the relationship but from what everyone else can see when they are around each other we see him doing anything and everything to make her happy and dealing with her bitchy attitude. When they were together and his friend's were over hanging out with them she'd find anyway she could to humiliate him and make herself look like she ran things in the relationship. But he dealt with it because he's truly in love with her. Well apparently a former lover of hers will be coming back into town in less than a year and as soon as she heard this she kicked him out, told him she didn't want him in her life anymore, just out of the blue. So I let him move in with me because all of us were so happy that they had finally split up...even if she was the one who pushed him out of her life. Well for the past 2 and a half months that he's been living with me he's done everything possible (except just letting her go for good) to move on and be happy. And from what we can all see he is happy. That is until she finds a way to crawl back into his life and pretend to be his friend for a couple days just so she can try and get involved in his personal life and create drama for him.
Why am I allowing myself to get involved and upset by this you ask? It's because he's a close friend of mine and he's my friggin roommate! See it doesn't bother her at all that she's doing this to him, in fact I think she enjoys it. She gets a kick out of knowing she still has this effect on him so she keeps on pushing and pushing and pushing until he just breaks down. She knocks him down about every other day and I have to be the one to pick him back up. It's tough because I have my own problems to deal with but his problems overshadow mine and I can't stand to sit back and watch him be down like this. I've done everything I possibly can to try and get him some help since apparently he's not willing to listen to me. I even talked to the girl and told her the best thing for her to do if she TRULY cares about him like she says she does is to just leave him be for a while. Let him enjoy some peace and happiness and cut off all contact with him. Well of course she told me she would and acted like she just can't handle him anymore so she's gonna leave him alone because SHE wants to leave him alone, not because I asked her to. Well this lasted all of one day and of course she found a way to crawl back to him just so she could punch him in the heart again and make him unhappy.
I'm at my wits end though. I don't know how to handle the situation anymore because the ONLY way he is going to truly be happy is if he just lets her go and cuts off all contact with her. That will eliminate ALL the drama in his life and he will finally be happy. But he refuses to do that. He says he's trying but for some reason I don't believe him. So it looks like I will have to continue to deal with this. I will have to continue to try and support him until he just can't take it anymore and throws her out of his life like she supposedly did to him a few months ago. It's extremely tough though when you see a great guy going through crap he doesn't need to go through. But there really isn't anything else I can do but be here for him when he needs me. He's going to have to make the decision on his own to let her go....if he's capable of doing that. So here's to another couple months of having to pick him up everything she knocks him down. Yay for me and BOO for him :(.
Don't mind the first post...and the Name (this is the only option that worked with replying).
ReplyDeleteThis situation sounds very familiar. I remember a time of England...and then Florida. Sometimes you just have to step back and let the guy fall on his face. It's the only way to learn, and eventually it will be enough. And if he's strong enough, he'll pick himself back up and move on his way.
As much as it sucks, sometimes it's better to just let that person do it (it's hard as a friend to step back and let that person destroy themselves by sticking with someone that you know is obviously bad for them...but that's what it takes). You've been down that path to the exact match of what you just described of your friend (except the kids), so you should know best what needs to happen.
"Tough love" is what most people would call it.
Good luck, man.
Thanks Luke, I appreciate your response. I know it's you because only you know what I went through during those 2 and a half years.
ReplyDeleteAnd as an update, I just talked to him and he claims he's finally had enough and he decided to just get her out of his life. But this is the 3rd time in the past month he's said this. So only time will tell if he sticks with this plan. I hope he does, for his sake.
Oh, I've been there. The best thing you can do is to just stay out of it as much as you can, which can be hard since you're his roommate! Kind of what Luke was saying, sometimes you just have to let people go through whatever they need to go through, for whatever reason. Don't abandon them, but just realize that they're not going to change until they're ready to. I hope for your sake it's getting better!
ReplyDeleteThanks, both of you. I appreciate the advice because this has been killing me since it started when he moved in. I'm not saying had I known there would be this much I had to deal with I wouldn't have let him move in. I'm just saying I wish some people would know when it's time to say "enough is enough, I'm over this".
ReplyDeleteBut thank you both!