Ambition - the desire to achieve a particular end
That definition was taken from the Merriam-Webster dictionary and it's the one that is most relevant to me. Ambition is something I don't think I've ever had but desperately need if I'm to ever live a productive and meaningful life. Why am I thinking of this now you ask? Because I'm knocking on the door of 30 and unless I make some drastic changes in my life I will end up wasting the next 10 years of my life like I wasted the last 10 years. I've got plenty of goals and dreams but I'm running WAY low on ambition.
I still can't believe I let myself fall this far over the past 10 years. I have been given more opportunities to succeed in life than most people I know and yet I have failed (by my own hand) at everything I've attempted since I was 20 years old. I didn't fail because I wasn't capable. I failed because I lost the desire to be ambitious. I can't begin to describe the regret I feel for allowing myself to get to where I am today. I could write a book about the many stupid things I've done over the years but the only good that would come out of rehashing all the mistakes I have made is to remember never to make those mistakes again. But I don't learn from my mistakes because I still keep making those EXACT same mistakes. And the bad thing is I make them consciously. It's not like I keep doing this by accident because I consciously make the decision to quit everything I start.
My life isn't all bad though. I am blessed to have some of the best friends who have been with me through all the ups and downs I've gone through. Friends who still believe I can be somebody better than I am now even when I find it near impossible to believe it myself. Friends who will take the time out of their day to lecture me for an hour and remind me of all the positive traits I have and do their best to motivate me to do something with my life. And to those friends I say thank you....with everything I have thank you. It's because of people like Bret, Seth, Julie, and Jes that I still believe in myself...even if it is just a little bit. I don't deserve friends like them but for some reason I have them and again...thank you...so much.
I'm determined to take all the advice and motivation everyone has given me over the years and apply it to my life. I don't want anyone to feel that I'm a waste of their time...especially my family. I know some think that and I completely understand why. I have given them no reason to believe I'm finally ready for the changes I need to make. In fact, as I'm writing this I'm finding it hard for me to believe myself.....counterproductive, I know. I can't live like this anymore though....that is for sure. I'll die from stress and depression by the time I'm 50 if I don't do something THIS YEAR. Yes I meant to put that in all caps because I MUST make the changes necessary for me to finally be happy....because I'm definitely not happy and I haven't been in at least 5 years.
Nobody is going to hold me accountable to make sure I follow through with what I've said I want to do in this blog. I have to motivate myself now to change. I'm not a kid anymore and I haven't been in a long time. I'm turning 30 this month so I can't expect anyone to tell me what I need to do and how to do it. I should already know...and trust me I already know. The time for just saying I'm going to change is over. It is now time for ACTION!
Will I hold myself accountable to follow through with these changes? It's up to me to make the answer to this question yes. The path to success is right in front of me. I just need to start taking the baby steps down that path. Put one foot in front of the other........left.....right......left.....right. I'm learning how to walk again but before you know it I'll be sprinting to the finish line....no longer in last place.
We don't know each other very well, but I certainly know what it feels like to lack drive, motivation, and ambition. It feels like my life is a series of waves, or a roller coaster, where at times you are on an incline and things seems alright, but suddenly you hit a decline out of no where and it feels like you have no control over how long you continue on a downward slope. But I have found that no matter how long I am on a downward slope, even if its 5 years, there will ALWAYS be another incline, even if its just a baby incline. But I guess the only thing that keeps me sane, during those low points, is that fact that I am surrounded by some beautiful things and people, even if all I see is darkness and ugliness, I just have to force myself to look a little deeper past, all of my ugly thoughts and I see a tiny little light peeking through, and that light is, my family and my friends and my dreams. I hope you can grab on to that light and hold on for as long as you possible can, because before we know it, the ride may be over, and who really knows if there is or will be another one after this.
ReplyDeleteThanks Tay....I don't plan on quitting this time. I'm ready to be happy again.
ReplyDeleteHappiness is very much a state of mind. Not a somewhere over the rainbow kind of thing. When I do this I'll be happy....if i do that I then Ill be happy....MUST BE HERE NOW...and live NOW....never grasping on to things of the future that don't exist yet, but rather creating them for ourselves. Best wishes, my friend. :)
ReplyDeletejust apply everything you have said to what you're going to do and you will be a champion.
ReplyDelete