Determination

As I was sitting outside this morning waiting for my ride to pick me up and take me to my doctor appointment I spied a tiny tiny ant trying to carry what looked like a hornet's wing that was 5 times bigger than it was. I probably watched him for close to 45 minutes before I was picked up. During that entire 45 minutes this little guy would pick up the wing (obviously too hard for him to carry alone) and try to move it. He'd get the wing picked up and start to move but then a tiny gust of wind would blow the wing an inch or so away from the ant. Now when most people would have given up after a few failed attempts this little ant was determined to get it back to the ant colony. It didn't matter how many attempts it took or how hard it was to do alone he never gave up. This little guy had a job to do and nothing was going to get in his way of doing it....not the wind, the size of the wing, or fatigue (if ants can get fatigued).

I never thought that I'd learn an important lesson from something as tiny as an ant but I did. Now did this ant ever get the wing back to the colony? I'm not sure but I do know that when I got home I checked the spot where I last saw the ant and the wing and neither were anywhere to be found. I'd like to think that his perseverance and determination paid off because the little guy was not going to give up no matter how impossible the task may have seemed. Watching the ant this morning got me to thinking about my own life again....something I've been doing a lot the past few days. It got me thinking that if a tiny ant isn't willing to give up on the hard tasks and move onto something a lot easier than why can't I be like that? Why can't I stay determined to persevere when I'm faced with a task that seems near impossible? If an ant can do it then so can I.

Another thing I thought about was my parents and their situation. They own their own business and they both also work a second night job. They pretty much work 70 hours a week even though they don't have to. They have both been working 2 jobs for the past 10 years and I've never once heard them complain about how hard it is and how much they want to quit. They do this because they have goals and dreams they want to fulfill and they are willing to do whatever it takes to achieve these goals. So again, I ask myself another question. If my parents can work 2 jobs at their age, with their health declining, then why can't I even work one job? Why have I been making excuses for myself for the past 15 months that I've been unemployed? Excuses like "my depression and anxiety keep me from being able to work a full time job"...."I don't have a car so I'd have to either walk or find a ride and I don't like walking or asking people for help". The worst excuse I've used is "What's the point in working a job that I know I will just quit anyways? I'm doing employers a favor by not having them hire me just so I can quit 3 months later." They all sound pretty dumb I know...trust me I know.

I'm done making excuses. I'm done trying to justify my reasoning for my lack of motivation. Ambition, determination, resilience, perseverance....4 things my life has lacked for pretty much my entire life. I used to wonder why I was so successful in everything I did when I was growing up but I now know the reason behind it is because my parents wouldn't let me quit anything I started. Even as a kid I wanted to quit everything I started if it got a little difficult. But I had great parents that knew I'd regret the decision to quit later on in life so they made me stay focused and do what I needed to be successful. They still try to guide me in the right direction but I never listened to anything they told me. I would go weeks and months without talking to them because they would always lecture me about my life and I wasn't ready to hear it. I knew that everything they told me was true and talking to them forced me to look at the negative decisions I've made so I'd stay away from them in order to keep from having to deal with my problems.

I'm not running away from myself or my family anymore though. I'm determined to face everything head on and not quit to find something easier to do. Life isn't easy and in order to get what you want out of life you have to work hard for it. My parents are working hard. My brothers and my sister are working hard. Millions of people in the world are working hard. But I haven't been working at all. I liked to talk about what I would like to achieve in life but that's all I ever did was talk. I realize now though that I can dream all I want but I'm not going to get anything by just sitting around talking about it. Nothing is going to just be given to me. Everyone else has had to work to get where they are so why do I think I'm so special that I don't have to work to get what I want?

So like the tiny ant, and my family, and my friends, and the millions of other people around the world I will work hard. I will stay determined to accomplish my goals even when things get tough. I won't quit what I'm doing so I can find an easier way of getting what I want. No matter how tough things get I will keep trying and trying until I finally get my hornet's wing back to my little colony.